Girl Scouts of America San Antonio

Find 8 listings related to Girl Scouts Of America in San Antonio on YP.com. See reviews, photos, directions, phone numbers and more for Girl Scouts Of America locations in San Antonio, TX. Get ready to change the world! Now Girl Scouts can earn 24 new badges that take leadership to the next level. There’s never been a better time for girls to practice ambitious leadership. This year, we’ve added new badges in the categories of Entrepreneur, STEM Career Exploration, Automotive Engineering, and Civics. Continue > San Antonio Girl Scout grows garden, future with help of strong mentors By Vincent T. Davis, Staff writer 6/29/2020 Bob Woodward talks Trump, NFL Sunday, Western wildfires: 5 things to know this ... Headquartered in San Antonio, Texas, at the Sally Cheever Girl Scout Leadership Center, Girl Scouts of Southwest Texas (GSSWT) serves nearly 15,000 Girl Scouts in 21 counties. We believe it's our responsibility to arm today's Girl Scouts with the knowledge and skills necessary to lead. JOIN TODAY! Visit the official site of Girl Scouts of the USA—the preeminent leadership development organization for girls. Girls, parents, and alum can join, volunteer, or reconnect. Girl Scouts is a way of life that brings out the best in your girl, even in the most challenging of times. While she’s learning about STEM, the outdoors, entrepreneurship, and important life skills, she’s discovering new ways to make your family and community stronger, kinder, and better for everyone. The local Girl Scout Council, Girl Scouts of Southwest Texas, has worked closely with the Archdiocese of San Antonio. Together we have developed a number of local Religion Awards for Girl Scouts. A description of each award and a downloadable booklet can be found below.

The long koming huge Gear post!

2019.05.21 13:49 mysterybeatzuk The long koming huge Gear post!

This has been a long time in the making and it is FAR from komplete!

But I figured it would be a good start and hopefully help some people out that are looking for some gear that they may be after.

I plan to Kontinue updating it as much as I can!

Includes 100% of the Gauntlet Gear and Skin Rewards!



BARAKA:

Arm Blades:
Acid-Tempered Korakata (Towers Of Time - Tectonic Disturbance)
Blood-Splattered Arm Blades (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 5)
Gashing Berserker's Arm Blades (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Okrakan of the Blood Ritual (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Okrakan of the Struggle (The Krypt - Gardens - 250 Heart Chest)
Scarblades of Tarkata (A.I Battle Reward)
Tarkatan Kombat Okrakan (Character Head Shrine Reward)

Brutalities:
Cut Up (The Krypt - Gardens - 250 Heart Chest)
Stuck (Towers Of Time - Tectonic Disturbance)

Head Gear:
Fierce Ravager Of Outworld (Towers Of Time - Tectonic Disturbance)
Invader of Lei Chen (The Krypt - Gardens - 250 Heart Chest)
Motaro's Nemesis (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Primitive Look of Tarkatan War (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Untamed Menace (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Warrior's Barbarous Face (The Krypt - The Forge - using items - Battleworn Helm, Distilled Tarkatan Rage & Leather Strap)

Intros:
Battle Cry (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)

Skins:
Beastly Manner (A.I Battle Reward)
Bloodthirsty Warrior (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Bone Krusher (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Cannabinoids (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Dead Pool Despoiler (The Krypt - Gardens - 250 Heart Chest)
Marked Man (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Nakarak Rakar (Towers Of Time - Tectonic Disturbance)
Once Bitten (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 6)
Tarkatan Beefcake (A.I Battle Reward)
Victor of Seven Tribes (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
War Paint (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)

Victories:
Baraka's Triumph (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Picked Clean (Character Head Shrine Reward)

War Banners:
Colors Of The Lost Fighting Tribe (A.I Battle Reward)
Declaration of Tribal War (Towers Of Time - Tectonic Disturbance)
Ensign of the Ten Hells (The Krypt - Gardens - 250 Heart Chest)
Invader's Battle Flag (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Pride of Ur-Kahatka (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
War-Worn Flag of Tarkata's Army (Character Head Shrine Reward)

CASSIE CAGE:

Brutalities:
Damn I'm Good (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Holy Moly (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
You Got BLB'd (The Krypt - Courtyard Cave - 250 Heart Chest)

Drones:
Janie Five (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Joy Puker (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Mission Creep (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
NRS253 Attack Drone (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
Patty Pathfinder (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Tiny Dancer (The Krypt - Courtyard Cave - 250 Heart Chest)
Wub-Wub (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)

Intros:
Big Gulp (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Gun Play (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Social Media (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)

Pistols:
Die Frauenkommandantin (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Imported HK Snapdragon (The Krypt - Courtyard Cave - 250 Heart Chest)
Janie (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Li'l Stryker (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Merchant Of Death (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
NRS Type 2TO Handgun (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Shadow Ops No-Serial Pistol (The Krypt - The Forge - using items - Disassembled Old Pistol, Copper Plating & Outworld Steel)
Type 8T6 Machine Pistol (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Vintage 1992 OIA Sidearm (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)

Skins:
Emerald Triangle (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Flash Crash (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Generation Next (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Golden State (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 27)
Grapevine (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Hermosa (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 2)
Hollywood and Vine (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Malibu (Towers Of Time - Touch Of Madness)
Melrose (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Mission Control (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 25)
Next Wave Cage (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
NoHo (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Pacific Blue (A.I Battle Reward)
San Pedro (A.I Battle Reward)
Soldier Of Tomorrow (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
South Bay Curve (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Space Titanium (The Krypt - Courtyard Cave - 250 Heart Chest)
Tachyon Pulse (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Technik (A.I Battle Reward)

Shades:
Beverly Hills 4Ever (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Cage Match (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Deep Six (A.I Battle Reward)
Extra Lit (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Freedom! '19 (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
I Can't Even (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Lil Annie Blaze (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Off The Hook (Towers Of Time - Touch Of Madness)
Rowdey AF (The Krypt - Courtyard Cave - 250 Heart Chest)
S.F. Rock Star (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)

Taunts:
Calm Down BLB (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Dab It Up (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Hold Up (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Poppin' (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
Relax BLB (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)

Victories:
BFF's (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Good Boy (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Who's Next (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)

CETRION:

Brutalities:
Smoked Flesh (The Krypt - The Courtyard/Middle of small room down the stairs - 250 Heart Chest)

Eternal Coronas:
Autumnal Yang (A.I Battle Reward)
Bride of Zarak (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Brunhilde (The Krypt - The Courtyard/Middle of small room down the stairs - 250 Heart Chest)
Corona Cetrionis (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Dreamcaper (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Gouger of Men (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 250 Heart Chest Upstairs)
Spring Awakener (Towers Of Time - Touch Of Shadows)

Goddess Crowns:
Angorosa (A.I Battle Reward)
Darkness Reigns (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 250 Heart Chest Upstairs)
Lucifina Hellborne (The Krypt - The Courtyard/Middle of small room down the stairs - 250 Heart Chest)
Sky Stones (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Verdant Clarity (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Wreath of Delchior (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)

Intros:
Purity (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 250 Heart Chest Upstairs)

Living Tendrils:
Die Over Here! (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 250 Heart Chest Upstairs)
Remnants of Life (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Space Odysseae (The Krypt - The Forge - using items - Ageless Ironbark, Elder God's Spark & Grave Soil)
Talons of the One Beast (The Krypt - The Courtyard/Middle of small room down the stairs - 250 Heart Chest)

Skins:
Autumn Rain (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Awen (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 29)
Brimstone (Towers Of Time - Touch Of Shadows)
Budding Wisdom (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Iron Will (The Krypt - The Courtyard/Middle of small room down the stairs - 250 Heart Chest)
Tiamat (A.I Battle Reward)
Yellowstone (The Krypt - From the Kollector)

Victories:
Cleansed (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 250 Heart Chest Upstairs)
Genesis (Character Head Shrine Reward)

D'VORAH:

Brutalitys:
Come My Child (The Krypt - Kytinn Hive - 250 Heart Chest)
Walking In The Spiderwebs (Character Tower Reward)

Intros:
First Born (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Hive Mother (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)

Ovipositors:
Cleptoparasites (Character Tower Reward)
Fanged Exoprong (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Lavendrix Implanters (The Krypt - Kytinn Hive - 250 Heart Chest)
Skelphron (A.I Battle Reward)
Sphecidae Apokritae (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Trypanosomes (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Urticating Breeders (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)

Skins:
Aculeate (Character Tower Reward)
Apex Predator (Character Tower Reward)
Blood Feeder (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Inner Sight (The Krypt - Kytinn Hive - 250 Heart Chest)
K'berah (A.I Battle Reward)
K'feresbe (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Living Forest (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Mantodea (Character Tower Reward)
Mileena's End (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Parthenogenisis (Character Tower Reward)
This One (The Krypt - From the Kollector)
Venemous Outworlder (A.I Battle Reward)

Swarm:
Darkling Weevils (The Krypt - The Forge - using items - Grotesque Mutated Larva, Ground Bone Dust & Zaterran Venom Sac)
Flesh Borers (Character Tower Reward)
Flesh-Piercing Hooktips (Character Tower Reward)
Marrow Drainers (A.I Battle Reward)
Septic Slugs (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Skin Harvester Ants (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Skin-Clenching Antlions (The Krypt - Kytinn Hive - 250 Heart Chest)
Vein-Biting Flies (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)

Taunts:
Hardened (Character Tower Reward)
Look Into My Eyes (Character Tower Reward)
Squished (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)

Victories:
Bug Out (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Child Protection (Character Tower Reward)
Mantis (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)

Wings:
Cursed Wings (A.I Battle Reward)
D'Vorah's Decay (Character Tower Reward)
Insectoid Aviation (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Kytinn Commando (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Leather-Winged Lift Off (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Relentless Survivor (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Supercluster Metawing (Character Tower Reward)
The Descent (The Krypt - Kytinn Hive - 250 Heart Chest)

ERRON BLACK:

Brutalities:
Beast Trap (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Ewwww (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Hard To Swallow (Towers Of Time - Perfect Shot)
Kiss My Spur (The Krypt - Wooden Bridge, down from the Courtyard Cavern - 250 Heart Chest)

Hats:
Abraham Van Hell (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Born in the 915 (The Krypt - Wooden Bridge, down from the Courtyard Cavern - 250 Heart Chest)
Cattle Rustler (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
Dead Eyes (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Desert Stormbreaker (Towers Of Time - Perfect Shot)
Dry Spell (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Greame's Quest (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Sand Scout (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Silver Tongue (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
The Dandy (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Tumbleweed (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)

Intros:
Bounty Hunter (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Chambered (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Standoff (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)

Pistols:
Blood & Guts (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Coral & Copperhead (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Crime & Punishment (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Mack & Macky (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
North & South (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Pronghorn & White-Tail (The Krypt - The Forge - using items - Rusty Antique Pistol, Tygorr Hide & Handful of Flux)
Rhythem & Blues (The Krypt - Wooden Bridge, down from the Courtyard Cavern - 250 Heart Chest)
Samson & Deliliah (Towers Of Time - Perfect Shot)
Scorpion & Sub-Zero (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
Summer and Winter (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
War & Peace (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
Whiskey & Regret (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)

Rifles:
Bearfoot .30-30 (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Black Dragon .338 (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Claims Adjuster 7MM (Towers Of Time - Perfect Shot)
El Dorado .234 (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Elkhorn .270 (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Gemini .30-30 (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Hogwylder .270 (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Humphries Aimpro .234 (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Moosehunter .338 (The Krypt - Wooden Bridge, down from the Courtyard Cavern - 250 Heart Chest)
Mulebuck .308 (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
San Antonio .338 (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)

Skins:
All to Pieces (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Bettermost (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Big Country (A.I Battle Reward)
Blue Blood (A.I Battle Reward)
Blue Devil (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Buttoned Up (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Dead Man's Hand (The Krypt - From the Kollector)
El Paso (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Go it Strong (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Goldrush (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
Gun Sight (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Marengo (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Mesa Verde (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
Penny Dreadful (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 17)
Peck Of Trouble (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 17)
Pony Up (Towers Of Time - Perfect Shot)
Ruckus (The Krypt - Wooden Bridge, down from the Courtyard Cavern - 250 Heart Chest)
Prospector (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Safari (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Saloon Suit (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 27)
Sawed Off (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Taos Lightning (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)

Taunts:
Daisy If You Do (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Draw (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Koin Flip (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
My Respects (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
One In The Chamber (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)

Victories:
Be Seeing You (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
Cowboy Up (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Ma'am (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)

FROST:

Brutalities:
Beheaded (The Krypt - Lower Courtyard - 250 Heart Chest)

Frozen Cores:
Cybertronic Endymiator (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Dead in Space (Towers Of Time - Ketchup & Mustard)
Dynamic Zordian Engine (The Krypt - Lower Courtyard - 250 Heart Chest)
Herald Of The New Era (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Jericho 873 (A.I Battle Reward)
Wintermeter 9000 (The Krypt - The Forge - using items - Depowered Tekunin Core, Powered Core & Circuitry Bundle)

Intros:
Icy Glance (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)

Masks:
Cool Kombat (The Krypt - Lower Courtyard - 250 Heart Chest)
Cryomask (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Frozen Filter (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Klassic Frost (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Silent Ice (A.I Battle Reward)

Power Arrays:
Beira (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Gemma (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Ice Valkyrie (The Krypt - Lower Courtyard - 250 Heart Chest)
Libra (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)

Skins:
Blue Ice (A.I Battle Reward)
Contumacious (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Epoch Traveller (A.I Battle Reward)
Fast Ice (A.I Battle Reward)
Frozen Futurist (The Krypt - Lower Courtyard - 250 Heart Chest)
Future Lin Kuei Time Khan (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 22)
Kamouflage (Character Head Shrine Reward)
M-Theory Future (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 22)
Thermal Shock (A.I Battle Reward)
Time Warrior (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Undiscovered Country (Towers Of Time - Ketchup & Mustard)

Victories:
Slopestyle (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Snow Thrower (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)

GERAS:

Brutalities:
Trapped (The Krypt - The Jails/Pathway to Right of Kenshi - 250 Heart Chest)

Intros:
Unstoppable (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)

Knuckle Dusters:
Crucible of Eternity (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Daybreaker (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Devastator of Destinies (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Doomhandle (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
End Of Years (The Krypt - The Jails/Pathway to Right of Kenshi - 250 Heart Chest)
Merciful Force (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Meat Pulverizer (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Punisher of Fu Sheng (A.I Battle Reward)

Sand Batteries:
Battles of the Primitive Era (The Krypt - From the Kollector)
Chaotian Era Chaos (The Krypt - The Forge - using items - Dregs of the Hourglass, Element of Order & Stabilized Chaos)
Eleven Potant Paradoxes (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Jinsei Time Battery (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Microglass of Kronika (Cassie Cage's Character Tower Reward - Stage 3) .. (Not sure why there is a piece of Geras Gear in Cassie's Tower)
Talisman of Tempora Maxima (Character Head Shrine Reward)

Skins:
Ahead of Time (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Aion (A.I Battle Reward)
Alternative History (A.I Battle Reward)
Cosmic Inflation (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Eleventh-Hour Saves (The Krypt - The Jails/Pathway to Right of Kenshi - 250 Heart Chest)
Enlightened Age (A.I Battle Reward)
Eocene (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 20)
Everlasting Gaze (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Fixed Singularity (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 10)
Recorder Of The Infinite (Tower Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 30)
Time and Again (A.I Battle Reward)
Timeline Traveler (The Krypt - The Jails/Pathway to Right of Kenshi - 250 Heart Chest)

Temporal Anchors:
Death Be Unknown (The Krypt - The Jails/Pathway to Right of Kenshi - 250 Heart Chest)
Keep Fortress Commander (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Kronika's Prototype (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Reverend of the Old Gods (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)

Victories:
Clock Out (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Standing Down (Character Head Shrine Reward)

JACQUI BRIGGS:

Brutalities:
Damn It (The Krypt - The Dead Woods - 250 Heart Chest - Next to Cyber Puzzle)

Left Gauntlets:
Left Girl's Best Friend (Towers Of Time - Stand Up)
Left Hot Shottie (The Krypt - The Forge - using items - Busted Black Market Gauntlet, Motherboard & Charged Capacitors)
Left Old School (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Left Ready Set Apocolypse (The Krypt - The Dead Woods - 250 Heart Chest - Next to Cyber Puzzle)

Right Gauntlets:
Right Ready Set Apocolypse (The Krypt - The Dead Woods - 250 Heart Chest - Next to Cyber Puzzle)
Right Red Dusk (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Right The Dependables (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Right Stylin Heat (Towers Of Time - Stand Up)

Shield Batterys:
Blast Insurance (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Hydrogen Oculator (The Krypt - The Dead Woods - 250 Heart Chest - Next to Cyber Puzzle)
Meta Mercury (Towers Of Time - Stand Up)

Skins:
Granddaughter Paradox (Tower Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 25)
Identity Theory (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 2)
Lay Waste (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Running and Gunning (A.I Battle Reward)
Safety Off (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Space-Time (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Special Relativity (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Time's Arrow (The Krypt - The Dead Woods - 250 Heart Chest - Next to Cyber Puzzle)
Tour Of Duty (Character Head Shrine Reward)

Victories:
Floor It (Character Head Shrine Reward)

JADE:

Brutalities:
Clean Sweep (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Deadly Dance (The Krypt - The Dead Woods - 250 Heart Chest)
Shaken Not Stirred (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)

Intros:
Emerald Cut (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Staff Of Life (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Triple Threat (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)

Masks:
Bride Of Kotal Khan (Character Head Shrine Reward)
D'vorah's Sworn Enemy (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Emerald Huntress (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Klassic Jade (Towers Of Time - Bewitching Storm)
Last Defender Of The Khan (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Mistress of Bojutsu (The Krypt - The Forge - using items - Mileena's Veil, Krypt Spider Silk & Essence of Edenian Magic)
Possessed By The Past (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1) (Maskless)
Regent of the New Khan (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Stalwart Outworld Warrior (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
Tarkata's New Ally (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
The Imperial Gem (The Krypt - The Dead Woods - 250 Heart Chest)

Razor-Rangs:
Amethyst Killstar (The Krypt - The Dead Woods - 250 Heart Chest)
Eldorval-Forged Triblade (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
Furthest Cry (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Glaive of the Desert Raid (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Heartbreaker (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Promise Keeper (Towers Of Time - Returned Assassin)
Shao Khan's Bane (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Stonecutter (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Tri-Force Glaive (Towers Of Time - Bewitching Storm)
Twist of the North Star (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Ynyr's Last Hope (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)

Skins:
Aphotic (A.I Battle Reward)
Battling Daemon (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
Cat's Eye (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Clouded Future (Towers Of Time - Stand Up)
Deathly Shade (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Edenian Flower (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Eidolon (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Emerald Demoness (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Eternal Friend (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 10)
Green Lady (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Haunted Soul (Towers Of Time - Bewitching Storm)
Justice Warrior (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Krimson Demon (Towers Of Time - Returned Assassin)
Nephrite (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Netherrealm Minion (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Olivine (The Krypt - The Dead Woods - 250 Heart Chest)
Phantom Princess (A.I Battle Reward)
Rhodonite (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
Reviled Revenant (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Stealth Tactics (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Trapiche (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)

Staffs:
Blaze's Firespawn Torch (The Krypt - The Dead Woods - 250 Heart Chest)
Desert Raider Yari (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
Fiery Finger of Delia (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Imperial Jubilee (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Iris of the Emerald Dragon (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Outworld Pantha's Tail (Towers Of Time - Returned Assassin)
Sapphire Of Death (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Spark Of The Dark Emerald (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Staff Of Majorika (Towers Of Time - Returned Assassin)
Staff Of Vanishing Winds (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Stalker Of The Living Forest (Towers Of Time - Bewitching Storm)

Taunts:
Are You Trying? (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
I Can Wait (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
Spin Out (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Too Easy (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
You're Welcome (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)

Victories:
Kounterstrike (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 11)
Malachite (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Return To Sender (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Staffed Up (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)

JAX:

Bionic Arms:
Bulletproof Guardian (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Captain Briggs (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Granade Catchers (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Horton's Heaters (The Krypt - The Courtyard - 250 Heart Chest)
Realm Wars Veteran (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)

Brutalities:
I Said Sleep (The Krypt - The Courtyard - 250 Heart Chest)

Buckles:
Dashaloo Campaign (The Krypt - The Courtyard - 250 Heart Chest)
Deadwood Dick (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Death Squad (Character Head Shrine Reward)

Intros:
Armed & Dangerous (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)

Skins:
American Eagle (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Beachhead (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Best Intentions (A.I Battle Reward)
Enduring Freedom (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Fast Mover (The Krypt - The Courtyard - 250 Heart Chest)
Gun Point (A.I Battle Reward)
Led Astray (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Limited Skirmish (A.I Battle Reward)
Made In America (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 27)
Martial Spirit (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
New Purpose (The Krypt - From the Kollector)
Overwatcher (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Shock Action (Tower Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 25)

Thumpers:
Boom of the Tiger (The Krypt - The Forge - using items - Jax's Cigar box, Carbon Film Resistor & Circuitry Bundle)
Boot Camp (The Krypt - The Courtyard - 250 Heart Chest)
Due Respect (A.I Battle Reward)
Fat One (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Stars & Stripes (Character Head Shrine Reward)

Victories:
R&R (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Shell Game (Character Head Shrine Reward)

JOHNNY CAGE:

Brutalities:
At The Dooooor (The Krypt - The Dojo - 250 Heart Chest)
Mic Check (Towers Of Time - Final Curtain)

Buckles:
Cage 2 Cage (Towers Of Time - Final Curtain)
Driven to Greatness (The Krypt - The Dojo - 250 Heart Chest)
God's Gift (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k chest)
Licensed to Fight (The Krypt - The Forge - using items - Remnants of a Broken Trophy, Krypt Spider Silk & Gold Ore)
Light Heavyweight Ledgend (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Outworld IRK Champion (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
You're Welcome (A.I Battle Reward)

Hand Wraps:
Brick Knuckles (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k chest)
Manual Labor (Towers Of Time - Final Curtain)
Paladin of Pugilism (The Krypt - The Dojo - 250 Heart Chest)
Utlity Gloves (Character Head Shrine Reward)

Intros:
Awards Season (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k chest)

Shades:
Diamond Cutter (The Krypt - The Dojo - 250 Heart Chest)
L.A. 2019 (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Hard Business (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Man Factor X11 (Towers Of Time - Final Curtain)

Skins:
Courtside (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Earthrealm's Top Model (A.I Battle Reward)
Hollywood Hunk (The Krypt - The Dojo - 250 Heart Chest)
Movie Royalty (The Krypt - From the Kollector)
Muscle Beach (A.I Battle Reward)
Statuette (Towers Of Time - Final Curtain)

Victories:
Autograph (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Inner Child (Character Head Shrine Reward)

KABAL:

Brutalities:
Screamer (The Krypt - The Pit - 250 Heart Chest) (Across the pit bridge after fixing it with 2k souls)

Gas Canisters:
Anabolic Infusion (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 250 Heart Chest Downstairs)
Androstenedione (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
ATP Energizer (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Bromantan (The Krypt - The Pit - 250 Heart Chest) (Across the pit bridge after fixing it with 2k souls)
Erythopoietin (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)

Face Shields:
Deathgrin (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Emotionless Killer (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 250 Heart Chest Downstairs)
Hardcore Black Dragon (The Krypt - The Pit - 250 Heart Chest) (Across the pit bridge after fixing it with 2k souls)
Man of the Sand (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation) (Maskless)

Hook Swords:
Chicken Sickles (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Gift of the Shaolin Monks (The Krypt - The Pit - 250 Heart Chest) (Across the pit bridge after fixing it with 2k souls)
Hu Tou Gou (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Nanquan (Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 250 Heart Chest Downstairs)
Trip, Catch, Slash (The Krypt - The Forge - using items - Bent Hook Swords, Copper Plating & Cordite)

Intros:
Cutting Loose (Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 250 Heart Chest Downstairs)

Skins:
Dead Heat (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Heel Turn (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 15)
Lightning Fast (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Right Hand Man (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 15)
Rock Hard (A.I Battle Reward)
Speed Freak (The Krypt - The Pit - 250 Heart Chest) (Across the pit bridge after fixing it with 2k souls)
Tornado Cut (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Young Buck (A.I Battle Reward)

Victories:
By The Sword (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 250 Heart Chest Downstairs)
Slice Of Death (Character Head Shrine Reward)

KANO:

Brutalities:
Brutal Blade (Towers of Time - Strafing Run)
Trapped Wallaby (The Krypt - The Courtyard/After getting lift up from Goro's Lair via the Jails - 250 Heart Chest)

Cybernetic Hearts:
Ceramic Encased Polyheater (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Coffin-Shutter (The Krypt - The Courtyard/After getting lift up from Goro's Lair via the Jails - 250 Heart Chest)
Dragon Stalker (The Krypt - The Forge - using items - Disabled Cybernetic Heart, Frayed Wiring & Synthetic Fiber)
Infrared Pyramid (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Non-Compliant (Towers of Time - Strafing Run)
OG Black Dragon Phablet (Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Skin Toaster (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Solar Plexor (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)

Eye Shields:
Blade Dragon Merc (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Hunter Kollector (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Midnight Oil Marauder (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Simply Killer (Towers of Time - Strafing Run)
Upgraded Kano BD-MKX (The Krypt - The Courtyard/After getting lift up from Goro's Lair via the Jails - 250 Heart Chest)

Intros:
Evil Eye (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)

Shanks:
Black Dragon Utlity Knife (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Darksheather (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Killer Barber (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Goldslitter (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Lethal Lightwing (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Melbourne Delinquent (A.I Battle Reward)
MK Tournament Keepsake (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Now That's a Knife (The Krypt - Shrine 75K Donation)
Three Stabs Forward (A.I Battle Reward)
Twisted Whittler (Towers of Time - Strafing Run)
Yakkety-Yak Stopper (The Krypt - The Courtyard/After getting lift up from Goro's Lair via the Jails - 250 Heart Chest)

Skins:
Bag Man (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Charleville Hustler (The Krypt - From the Kollector)
Criminal's Cobber (Towers of Time - Strafing Run)
Mobbed Up (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Money Hungry (A.I Battle Reward)
Pretty in Ink (The Krypt - The Courtyard/After getting lift up from Goro's Lair via the Jails - 250 Heart Chest)
Rat Bastard (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 11)
RIP Snorter (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 8)
The Full Quid (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)

Victories:
Knifepoint (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Spit Take (Character Head Shrine Reward)

KITANA:

Brutalities:
Gutted (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Peeling Away (The Krypt - Lower Pit - 250 Heart Chest)
Throat Slit (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)

Intros:
Flat Spin (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Queen For A Day (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Whirlwind (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Wind Tunnel (Towers Of Time - Royal Welcome)

Masks:
Air of Mystery (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Earthrealm's Ally (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
Fifth Horsewoman (Character Head Shrine Reward)
King Jerrod's Pride (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Outworld's Queen (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Regal Daughter Of Edenia (Towers Of Time - Royal Welcome)
Troubled Daughter (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Vow of Silence (The Krypt - Lower Pit - 250 Heart Chest)

Sai's:
Claw of Onaga (The Krypt - Lower Pit - 250 Heart Chest)
Deathhawk (Towers Of Time - Royal Welcome)
Finger Of Delia (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Hotaru's Dagger (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
Man Slicer (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Mileena's Final Curse (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Poisened Pricker (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Purple Passion (A.I Battle Reward)
Reliant Thrust (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Stab In The Dark (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Tarkatan Bone Sai (Character Head Shrine Reward)

Skins:
Atramentous (A.I Battle Reward)
Battle Royale (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Born Of Tragedy (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Bride Of Nekros (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Daughter of Hell (The Krypt - Lower Pit - 250 Heart Chest)
Dragon Mountain (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
First Princess (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 11)
Force of Will (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Grave Concern (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
Kobalt (The Krypt - From the Kollector)
Living Forest (Towers Of Time - Royal Welcome)
Nefarious (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
Peaceful Reign (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Shadow Sisterhood (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Shinnok's Disciple (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Soul Prisoner (The Krypt - Shrine 100K Donation)
Time Khan (Towers Of Time - Gauntlet Stage 20)
Visions Of Home (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)

Taunt:
Elder Bird's Talons (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Fanning Out (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Last Chance (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Rise and Die (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Stand Down (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Vortex (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)

War Fans:
Arch of the Coven (Character Tower Reward - Stage 1)
Artful Massacre (The Krypt - Lower Pit - 250 Heart Chest)
Bloodletter (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
Edenian Rose (Character Tower Reward - Stage 5)
Fatal Autumn (Character Tower Reward - Stage 4)
Kombat Knives (Character Tower Reward - Stage 2)
Razorback Breeze (Towers Of Time - Royal Welcome)
Tears of the Stars (A.I Battle Reward)
Unholy Deathblade (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Windmill of Fate (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
Winds of Destiny (The Krypt - The Forge - using items - Sindel's Brush, Essence of Edenian Magic & Serpent Scales)

Victories:
Airs and Graces (Character Head Shrine Reward)
Death Spiral (Character Tower Reward - Stage 3)
Tessenjutsu (The Krypt - Shang Tsung's Throne Room - 25k Chest)
submitted by mysterybeatzuk to MortalKombat [link] [comments]


2018.10.11 20:47 Jakefiz [OC] Roasting Every Single NBA Team


Atlanta: Honestly the only compliment I can give you guys is your astounding ability to be consistently mediocre. But at least your fans got to experience the feeling of being dark horse contenders before Lebron shattered your hopes and dreams and sent you back to basketball hell. Where you have been for your entire existence in Atlanta. Don't lose hope now, Trading down for Trae Young because you saw the name “Curry” in the scouting report when you could have gotten Doncic certainly won't come back to bite you… right?

Boston: Bill Russell won you 11 championships and your city STILL treated him like shit. Russell beating the same nine teams during the stone age of basketball is the only reason you get to hold a candle to the Lakers in the “best franchise” debate. Honestly if your city wasn't so god damn racist you might have been able to attract free agents and have more than one championship in 30 years.

Brooklyn: Oh man. I could go the easy route but I’m not gonna. You guys are paying 18 million dollars a year to a shooter that doesn't even shoot the ball. And another 18 million for 10 seconds of Dwight Howard. How do you exist in the same city as the Knicks and still be the 2nd place team. I honestly don't know or care for what future your team has. Maybe you'll make the playoffs in the next 10 years? Next.

Charlotte: The only NBA record you've ever broken is the lowest winning percentage. Not even getting your old name back and a slick rebrand can save your team. Your team is a factory of suck that MJ uses to pad real contenders against Lebron to protect his own legacy. Seriously. When you cant put together a playoff team with Kemba Walker in the fucking East you might as well start tanking. But even if you do tank, MJ has an eye for talent like I have an eye for women’s hygiene products.

Chicago: Your last championship was over 20 years ago. No really, it's actually been that long. I don't even know what your team is. Your roster requires a PhD to fully explain it. For a team that's been crushed by Derrick Rose's ACL problems, its interesting to bank your future in two players with ACL problems. Enjoy the lottery for the foreseeable future.

Cleveland: Honestly basketball is the least of your concerns. Lebron James was your entire economy, what the fuck are you gonna do now? My advice, move the fuck out of Cleveland before it all comes crashing down and be a Laker fan until Lebron retires. At least you have the up and coming Browns to distract from your city hitting bankruptcy, im sure investing your happiness in that will turn out nicely.

Dallas: If it wasn't for Dirk you’d be a bottom feeding team with the Hornets and the Clippers. Male Mavs fans, good luck justifying your fandom to your date after she finds about about what went on in the front office for years…

Denver: Denver, Denver, Denver… I don't think anyone hates your team more than your own fans. Every year you look poised to make the playoffs and every year you leave them in crushing disappointment. But things will be different this year! You added IT, and you're gonna average 120 points a night. But averaging 120 points doesn't really matter when youre gonna be giving up 140. Not a single person on your roster plays defense outside of Will Barton. Don't place your bets on making the playoffs this year, or next year.

Detroit: Oh yeah, the Pistons. I forgot about your team. And so did everyone else. Gotta admit trading your only young asset for Blake Griffin's ludacris contract in a hail mary attempt to sell tickets in your unnecessary new stadium is a ballsy move that, shocker, did not pay off. On top of that you have to live with taking Luke Kennard right before Donovan Mitchell for the rest of your lives. Enjoy NBA no man's land. Maybe you'll crack an 8 seed if you get more than 20 healthy games of Blake Griffin.

Houston: I can think of 27 reasons why I hate your team. All your memorable playoff moments this decade ended in you losing. Lillard, Ginobili, and now the beautiful chaos that was Game 7 of the conference finals this year. Nice offseason by the way. Because everyone in America was definitely thinking the same thing after you lost game 7. “If only the Rockets had Carmelo”

Indiana: Ok be honest. Does the phrase “Defending champion Indiana Pacers” sound weird to you? Your team was never meant to be. You may have had an overachieving season but hold on to that happiness as long as you can because you have a long long loooooooong ways to go before you can say your team has a chance of becoming contenders. Your most memorable moment in franchise history is Ron Artest decking an out of shape Detroit fan, which I still watch weekly. So thank you for bringing us that masterpiece.

LA Clippers: It's not everyday you get to call yourself a fan of the worst franchise in sports. Seriously, how do you live in a market like LA and still suck this bad for so long. I would feel bad for your fans but you don't have any. Who in the city of Los Angeles with half a brain cell would even consider being a Clippers fan over the Lakers? That's like choosing between having a glass of top shelf, high class pinot noir and having donald sterling piss in your mouth. Why would anyone want to do that to themselves? Your franchise is a joke and doesn't deserve to call themselves a team. Just please for the love of god move to Seattle.

LA Lakers: Welcome back to relevancy. No one missed you. I cant imagine what its like to be a Lakers fan. To have instant claim to every big free agent. To have super teams handed to you on a silver platter. All while having to sit through this nightmare of a decade. You better hope lebron is actually a cyborg because when he declines, you dont have much else to fall back on. But for now, put away your warriors jersey, cuz lake show is finally back.

Memphis: Remember when you were good? That came and went faster than Mike Conley's all-star campaign. But hey, best case scenario you might luck out with those ping pong balls and get the 11th pick. Better hope JJ Jr is a superstar or you're gonna be stuck in purgatory for the foreseeable future. Also. Chandler Parsons. That is all.

Miami: Oof. Imagine having all your cap space tied up to Hassan Whiteside, Goran Dragic, and Tyler Johnson. No disrespect to Goran, but if he's the best player on your team then I'm not sure what you do now. But if you’re a heat fan you don't really care about your future because you now get to endure a whole season of the Dwayne Wade farewell tour. Enjoy many many years of reminiscing and living in the past because you certainly don't have a future to look forward to.

Milwaukee: You managed to fool a foreign superstar into staying in your god forsaken city so you at least did that right. Good luck getting talent around Giannis after Sterling Brown got the ol’ Wisconsin welcome from the Milwaukee police department. Not a good look Bucks, not a good look at all. Also, kids that were born the last time you won a playoff series are graduating high school this year. Don't forget to wish them congratulations.

Minnesota: Ahh, remember when your team was up and coming with a bright future? Those were the days. Too bad Thibs had to come and ruin everything. How you managed to even have a future in Siberia is beyond me. All I know now is your one opportunity per 20 years of maybe being a contender has now been squandered by a sweaty angry bald man that really likes Gorgei Dieng. And now, breaking news, the best player that has suited up for your team since KG just went on a practice tirade completely destroying the very fabric of your team’s existence. That’s always a good sign of a well run franchise. I feel genuinely sorry for your fans that not only have to live in Minnesota, but root for this team.

New Orleans: Another team that had a future at one point. AD/Boogie was the opportunity of a lifetime. And last year was the best basketball your team had ever played. But hope you enjoyed it because these next few years are going to be Anthony Davis stat pads so he can get paid by a loooong list of teams. One of those teams being the Golden State Warriors.

OKC: You guys drafted 3 MVPS in three straight seasons and somehow managed to keep the one that got cooked by a rookie. Sure you may have convinced Paul George to stay, but as long as Joe Ingles is in the league, “Playoff P” will disappear faster than this team’s title hopes.

New York: This franchise is an enigma. I have come to the conclusion that there is a basketball curse set on the city of New York. How do you have two franchises in the second biggest market and have them both suck? The only guy that was rumored to have an interest in signing there also believed the earth was flat. Why on this flat earth would anyone want the burden of saving this pathetic franchise? I think we found a way to beat the Warriors this year. Have them all wear Knicks jerseys and play at Madison Square Garden for 40 games out of the year.

Orlando: Oh boy. Nobody’s favorite team. Honestly though, your existence is appreciated because you’re pretty much a firesale of young talent that needs to get the fuck out of your organization to succeed. I will always put money on players breaking out the second they leave the largest tourist trap in the world. If I were entering the draft and my choices were the Orlando Magic and signing in Europe with BBB, I’d learn Lithuanian faster than your team’s hopes for a winning season.

Philadelphia: Please tell me how much is hurts to be a Sixers fan. To tank for years only to have Boston do it way better without the embarrassment. To have your GM be the laughing stock of the entire NBA. To use your number one pick in one of the most stacked drafts in the past decade on a guy that forgot how to shoot. Things might be looking up right now sure, but you got dismantled by Boston who were missing 2 all-stars. But that’s okay, you gotta trust the process of losing to Boston every year for the next ten years.

Phoenix: Honestly the biggest accomplishment you have had in the past 5 years is losing by 48 instead of 50 on your 50th home opener. But hey, at least you got better this season. I predict you win 26 games this year instead of 21. Your team hasn’t been fun to watch since the D’Antoni era. And that was 10 years ago now. You snuck a nice season in there in 2014 but somehow missed the playoffs with 48 wins. Now you’re stuck believing that since Booker is the only player that can put a ball in a basket, he’s suddenly the second coming of Kobe. Well get ready to feel like you did when you found out Santa wasn’t real, because you are in for a very, very rude awakening. Have fun being the 4th, maybe 5th best young core in the league.

Portland: You think I’m going easy on my hometown team? You thought wrong. There needs to be some changes to this organization. Firstly, include blood pressure meds with every season ticket package. They’re gonna need them if they are going to be watching this team all season. Also, make Damian Lillard mayor, dictator, and emperor of Portland. Because there is no reason for him to be this loyal to us, unless he is trying to conquer us. Speaking of players, what the fuck are we trying to do here. Evan Turner might be the worst rotation player in the NBA. And his contract is worth 14 Demarcus Cousins. Everyone’s asshole in the city of Portland collectively clenches whenever Aminu dribbles the ball. And Harkless is only serviceable when he “feels like it”. Speaking of feelings, what better representation of the city of Portland than a 7ft jacked white guy with the emotional fragility of a teenage they/them tumblr girl. Imagine letting Ed Davis go for a quarter of the worth of one year of Meyers Leonard. That is the reality us Blazer fans live with every day. But that’s okay. At least we have our first round picks that Neil will continue to use on project white guys that I wouldn’t even let take my daughter to prom let alone trust with the future of my franchise. This team is single handedly responsible for my heart attack that I will have at age 50.

Sacramento: Kings fans, real question, why do you watch this team? I mean, even if you somehow put together a championship team, not even the NBA will let you win. So what's the point? Are you all masochists? Do you find some sick enjoyment watching your media team and announcers have to sell you this horrible product night in and night out? How many poor decisions will it take for your owner to be like, “You know, maybe Vlade doesn’t really know what he’s doing.” I could write a book on all the mistakes he has made. But it’s 3AM and I need to get through the rest of this. If you are interested in the dumpster fire of a franchise that is the Sacramento Kings, there are plenty, PLENTY of youtube videos on it.
San Antonio: You feel that? That feeling in the pit of your stomach? That dark depressing feeling that is permanently there? That’s mediocrity. Most of you aren’t even old enough to remember a time when the Spurs were mediocre. So welcome to humanity, Spurs fans. I hope you enjoy telling your grandkids about Tim Duncan, because there won't be anything near as happy to talk about for the remainder of your meaningless existence on this planet. You smashed the “Small market success” piggy bank and used up all your happiness for multiple lifetimes. Soak in these last few Pop years while you can.
Toronto: Imagine winning almost 60 games and having zero credibility as even a finals contender, let alone championship contender. This is the story of the Lebronto Raptors. “But, But Lebrons gone now! And we have Kawhi! Things will be different this year!” Well unless there’s a massive shift in tectonic plates, or global warming speeds up 10000% and Hollywood packs up and moves to fucking Canada, I don't expect your reign of being a good regular season team to last much longer. Your only conceivable hope of a championship this year is for Brad Stevens to turn into a vegetable, KD to get suspended for fighting a high schooler, and Draymond to snap his two-tone Malone to a minor. Maybe then you’ll have a chance. Most likely scenario? Crushing playoff disappointment and Kawhi to leave your shitty country for LA. Have fun this year while you can.
Utah: Honestly I don't have a lot of bad things to say about you. Other than the biggest moment in your franchise is the Michael Jordan shot. Yeah, you know what one I’m talking about. You’ve got a fun team. All you need is a superstar free agent to come to your team and maybe you’ll have a chance at a championship. That’s not too bad! All you have to do is convince them to live in Utah! It’s so easy!
Washington: What a lame team you are. I haven’t seen a perennial playoff team have as little confidence in themselves as yours. But this year will be different. I see an exciting year for you guys. I see a 6, maybe 5 seed. And a respectable second round sweep to Toronto or Boston. That’s about as exciting of a year as you can hope. Keep dreaming KD will come one day. He’s sure got a looooot of reasons to.

You may have realized I left one out. Why would I even waste my time? You pompous pricks wouldn’t be offended by anything because you can just point to the eventual championship you have wrapped up at your doorstep already. I don’t think I could hate a team more honestly. You ruined the best league in sports and it seems like you almost feel numb to winning. I just spent 4 hours going through every NBA team and I realized how absolutely hopeless almost every team in the league is aside from fucking Boston and probably the Lakers. Why does the best sport have to have the shittiest league?
Anyways, this is all in good fun. If you’re butthurt about what I said, congrats. You’re feeling exactly what I want you to feel. If you don’t care at all because no matter what I said it wont take away from your inevitable success this year, you’re probably a Warriors fan. And I hate you.
submitted by Jakefiz to nba [link] [comments]


2017.08.10 02:13 Quiott List of Charity Navigator's "Queue" I compiled in line to be rated

Please vote for the charities you think deserve the 4 star rating. A simple google search should take you to their homepages for more info. Listed by Total Revenue.
submitted by Quiott to Charity [link] [comments]


2017.07.09 10:50 Flambongsmoke FUCK ME, my childhood messed me up: co-starring narcissistic dad, absent mom, the Prince of Nigeria and divorce

This is all a mess. I think this is as much for myself as it is for anyone reading. I'm trying to sort out what went wrong in my childhood now that I'm coming out of it and how it made me who I am today, because it's a wild ride and I feel like there's a lot that can be learned here.
I'm a minor in my country, barely, still living with my mom, but seeking emancipation for Puerto Rican legal purposes as the age of majority there is a preposterous 21. So what this is a chronicle of is how my parents made me who I am and how I might finally be free to love them at a distance very soon.
So I've had an incredibly mediocre childhood. Rarely Lifetime movie-worthy levels of struggle, but rarely pleasant. I'd blame it all on the divorce, but geez, it was there before too!
PART ONE: MOMMY KEPT ME SAFE
My parents straight up laid an egg when they raised my older sister. Or I guess it was my mom, my dad just went with it. My mom herself was raised by an abusive dad (who himself was raised by an abusive dad HMMM) and he sort of didn't shelter her enough and probably messed her up because he would always give his older three sons shit in front of the eight of them (four boys, four girls). My mom got way too much advice from my aunt, who was involved with people with links to The Family International (to the extent that I grew up with a lot of their programming on VHS and let me tell you, "SOS" is only a little above average Wild for them), and so raised us like a Jehovah's Witness family (which is to say only a little more restrictive than the normal because at this point we lived in the Bible Belt where people are obsessed with being more traditionally "Christian" than their neighbors for appearances even when they know God doesn't care about Johnny listening to secular music every now and then). I couldn't play Pokemon until my sister begged and pleaded that LeafGreen was different from other Pokemon games (don't ask me how) and we walked out of the game store with a copy of it. Diamond and Pearl had already come out, but we didn't have a DS until we found one on an airplane (that we totally should've put into a lost and found, but my older sister insisted that if we left it there they'd treat it like a bomb and throw it away. This may seem like a pattern but my sister has almost no interest in video games and is not really a manipulative kleptomaniac or anything) so it was a moot point but we never got that one either even once we did. (parentheses) Apparently Mom regretted her decision because she wanted minimum exposure to the fact we were playing Pokemon. We tried to keep it a secret from relatives and everything.
But the reason why I'm talking about this is because me and my sister spent a lot of time together until I was like 5 and she raised me like she had raised herself, she'd get in front of the TV and blocked it if the programming looked too violent so that restricted my TV intake to Spongebob, FairlyOdd Parents, Kim Possible, and Boomerang. I missed out on Power Rangers, Digimon (really sore about this one because I feel like it would've been my favorite show even if it would've been in reruns; CHRIST did Toon Disney and ABC Family love them some Digimon reruns), Pokemon, I missed out on everything kids my age were actually watching. This may seem like an odd thing to be sore about but I'm sore about it anyway because it was just one facet of my complete inability to socialize. It also instilled a fear of media in me that I didn't shake until I was like 10. I viewed TV and computers as places where about 10% of what was available should be used and the rest was evil and scary and probably Satan-controlled.
So about that Game Boy Advance: I got it on my seventh Christmas when I was 6 after asking for some sort of video game console for years. And then when we actually got it mom refused to buy any video games for me if it seemed like they were violent at all. SEEMED, she refused to learn the rating system or what "cartoon violence" meant or that Dragon Quest IX that I wanted to buy when I was 11 that carried a ridiculous E10 rating wasn't Grand Theft Carriage where you go around killing people just because there's a dude with a sword on the front cover. She flipped when my dad bought me Zelda when I was 13 until she figured out you kill Goombas in that game too. She was also averse to it in general and didn't want to spend money on games even when we had that money so I grew up on shovelware, freeware, abandonware, educational games and Zoo Tycoon for some reason, I think that was my sister again. (Hah, that reminds me of how my sister will occasionally gripe Iwannaplayzootycooooooooon at me because shewannaplayzootycoon without doing any of the critical thinking just so she can inevitably be disappointed by nostalgia when she finally does. Here's the sit: my shitty laptop, which I'm not fucking installing it on, my little sister's laptop, which runs Linux, and not even well, and my older sister's two laptops that don't have either disc drives or ancient versions of Windows. I'm not going to be her technician forever, she needs to find that shit and a copy of the game herself and figure out how to run it. Microsoft sells a lot of their old games, and that's not fucking one of them, because it's shit and programmed like shit and barely wheezed along on the dinosaur family desktop hardware it was designed for. Could never get into ZT2, has its own host of nuisances and gimmicks.)
You can bet your ass the nearest comic book store was two hours away, and I knew better than to ask for a Harry Potter book. Got into Warriors later. Christ those books were awful. Does anyone remember Tigerstar (OOPS NAME SPOILER) getting built up for six books and losing seven lives to a kittypet in one hit? All my mom's music was old (great, but old), Hispanic or Christian (sometimes all three, naturally), my dad's collection consists of Enya and classical music, so I never got into any of the bands that were cool.
The point is, everything before I really started to use the internet around 2008 is a big blank spot for me. I missed every single one of the pop culture phenomenons including the (((Prequels))). If I went to the theater, it was for a god-awful kids movie with my grandma (except for that one time we saw The Nativity instead of Surf's Up. In hindsight given the option I'd've found the courage to kill myself. That was a joke). Avatar 3D was my first Big Boy Movie in theaters. Can you imagine? I didn't have ANYTHING to talk about with anyone. My friendships would have to stand on my own merits as an individual and I didn't have any. My two best (read: only, literally; made some other friendships through the one of the two who was a guy who WHOOPSIE also became the first person I, in retrospect, had feelings for) childhood friendships mostly consisted of me using their video game collections because I just had nothing to bring to the table except Player Two, in both video games and other games. And someone to talk about stupid crap with but as it turns out that only made me two friends because you can do that with anyone. At least I was... nice? I think? No I was kind of a brat too but never maliciously.
The other reason I was never able to socialize properly: my parents saw that I was friendless and instead of thinking to put me in a homeschooling cooperative or public school with all the other misfits (Christian private schooler here, at least back then, ask me about the historical revisionism and coded racism in the textbooks I've had to unlearn!) put me in Christian sports. Oh man. The only interesting thing that happened in my social life at Upward Sports (or Little League, but that lasted for like a month) was this fat kid tried to pick on me and my one friend (handed the other one off to my little sister lol) told him to fuck off. He was the second person to try to pick on me! The first was Autumn Aarington. But I remember him more vividly because years later he sic'd his dog on my cat and her kittens and my dog lost his ear. This didn't fuck me up or anything it just shows that my parents weren't too concerned about the fact that me and my sisters didn't really have any friends. So who did that job? The internet, eventually! I have so many usernames I can't use at all because I fucked up on them! I was part of the Newgrounds/Gaia/4chan generation but I didn't go on any of those, I went on buttfuck forums and read comment sections! So I even missed out on that! Not flash games though obviously.
JUST WHEN THAT SITUATION WAS STARTING TO TURN AROUND THROUGH CUB SCOUTS, MY DAD GOT LAID OFF AND WE MOVED!! WOWEEWOWEEWOWWW!! also divorce
So it's time to talk about my dad. And us being in Texas at all. He was offered what he called "a temporary job" at Priefert Manufacturing and convinced my mom that we were going to stay there for a year and move back to Puerto Rico. Well, the year went up, and he starts another year. We had been living in a vacant parsonage up to this point, but his job became permanent somewhere down the line which I imagine Mom wasn't too happy about. Mom and Dad accidentally had baby number three- guy starts building a fucking house just to hammer in the fact that oopsie! he lied! we weren't going anywhere. And it was a brilliant house. It was a fucking majestic house with fresh spring water from a well he built and right before we moved he built a shed we didn't need and playground that we were too old for lol. This was supposed to be his fucking homestead. He put his heart here. It broke my heart to drive away from that house but I can only imagine what he must've felt- he built that house with two odd jobs guys and slept several nights on the floor of the roofless plot. I'd almost call it a mental disease how badly he wanted this house. He broke his fucking leg building this house and suffered a concussion, and me and mom say this may have been his turning point.
My mom and dad had been arguing for years about the fact my dad was a workaholic and the fact my dad had no intention of going back to Puerto Rico ('no jobs', he says at every opportunity, but he never looked very hard), and also my dad's anger issues which will be relevant again later. This only got worse when he started looking for a new job in various places in addition to Puerto Rico and not just Puerto Rico. We settled down in San Antonio, hours away from any support. If you don't understand how big Texas is, we were seven hours away from where we used to live. Mom finally put me in public school, in which I went from 5th Grade to 4th Grade due to my age and having skipped grades because there wasn't time to take placement exams and all that stuff (and I took them later for shits and giggles- fell just short of the mark because the Duke TIP standards they used were ridiculous). Dad says all she had to do was indicate my grade and forget my age, like he did later, but it was too late for that. But as you can imagine I was frustrated by the coursework and my immature classmates with far better social skills. My mom was still sore that my dad was spending even more time at work, was never going back to Puerto Rico, was impenetrable and barely even responded to what he had to say, and so all that waited for me at home was turmoil and apology dinners Dad would cook. They tasted good, but they felt like sin and hopelessness. The mushrooms and garnish sank in our stomachs like stones. I don't know how to describe it.
One day, he snapped. The arguments went from mutual griping and bringing up years-old grudges to narcissistic, tyrannical behavior, physically abusing my mother in minor but painful ways that he would later do with me. Twisting our arms, stepping on our toes... would you believe it if I said he learned all this from his mother after his father died? Really makes you think. Anyway, the atmosphere went from sadness to dread as Mom would sometimes hide in our bedrooms or the bathroom and us three would often end up on my older sister's queen bed, and we'd watch Spice and Wolf on Netflix to distract ourselves from our problems. "You don't love me," my dad repeated multiple times a night. I had lots of nightmares in this period and once it was over I sort of stopped dreaming entirely. The night my mother mustered up the courage to call my dad a monster was when I think I finally died inside and realized just how cruel the world could really be. Eventually my mom's brother called the cops and they suggested we separate for some time. We went to Houston where Mom had relatives (including said brother) immediately with plans to go back and travel to Puerto Rico for a semester a few weeks later.
A semester became two semesters became indefinitely became two semesters.
So as it turns out undersocialization in America translated to undersocialization in Puerto Rico. I knew how things worked there because I had spent wonderful summers (that, tellingly, my dad stopped attending after 2005, which was the summer he built the house) in my grandma's house and was fluent in Spanish, but I had even less in common with the kids at the private Catholic school (it's like watching a brain-dead chicken run into a wall over and over again, isn't it?) and was on track to make one semi-solid friendship before getting interrupted. Furthermore, the summer home with no internet connection or possibility for an internet connection out in basically bumfuck nowhere even as far as Puerto Rico wore its welcome even in four-week stays. This was a straight up shitty house. My mom ended up having to pay for me to get ear surgery to get out all the phlegm my mold allergies had generated. For weeks at a time my depressed uncle with his own marital problems ("problems" being that he "separated" from his wife, impregnated a homewrecker and manages to keep convincing her to postpone the bit where she runs off with all his money and the kids; yes, plural) would take one of the rooms (and all the hot water in the shower) and force me onto the couch (or both me and my sister if my older sister was back from boarding school and he was on this). My dad came for Christmas (instead of us going back for Christmas, like was planned, because Mom and Dad couldn't come to any agreements- or, rather, Dad wouldn't come to his senses), bickered over the details of the divorce he so badly wanted, made our lives miserable, went back, and then killed all his and Mom's joint accounts (this was the first of many times he cut off money from Mom; he's done it with child support, house payments, you name it, once he almost foreclosed the house until he realized it'd fuck his credit). We lived on handouts from relatives for a solid semester after that, but it was miserable and we never had quite enough- and sharing a home with my extremely eccentric grandma is more than a little difficult. Just off the top of my head there's STILL never any space in the fridge for something from the store you'd actually use (she insists on saving everything until it literally rots) like whole milk and the showers have funguses in them so you have to use sandals. They're also just gross. The water, the electricity, and twice, the water AND the electricity would often go out. The TV was outside in a sort of porch/covered garage and only had channels because we bought them because we couldn't buy internet. It can get damn near impossible to go outside without getting chicken shit all over your shoes. My feet are still slightly malformed because I didn't have any good shoes and used the same ones for over a year, possibly two. But dammit, somehow we were happier than we were in San Antonio. I had plans to go to the magnet boarding high school for gifted children my sister was going to, and I could even skip another grade to get there as I had planned to go to high school there since I was eight or so as was the family tradition of sorts.
Had.
My dad lured my mom back to Texas for divorce settlements in the summer. The very expensive lawyer my mom hired showed up in a Hawaiian shirt with no knowledge of the case, provided absolutely no help, helped the court force my mother to accept joint custody and a territorial restriction, collected his fee and went on his way. My mother cried violently the entire time this was going on and her sisters handled what little she was given charge of.
When she was finally composed enough to call us about this, they were both in San Antonio and we were back where we used to live on a vacation. We were at our uncle's house shooting the shit when we got the call and took a walk through his great woods to reflect on things. Alone, with our cousin my older sister's age. That poor boy has never again had the same respect for his uncle. How could he?
Dread, confusion, betrayal, hatred, all these things I felt in the two weeks or so we stayed in the house, dejected, trapped, watching Netflix and wasting time. I never grew to be fond of our house, and returning to it, knowing that I would be forced to spend the rest of my childhood inside it, I felt true fear. To this day, I feel that cocktail of anguish if I think too hard.
A rock and a hard place
Confused, disoriented, aimless, heartbroken- me, my mom, and my sisters continued to live in the house my mother now only owned half of. The sadness was too much for my older sister, and pretty soon she was going to public school instead of homeschooling. My younger sister continued to go to her Christian private school. My mom used my laptop for her myriads of legal affairs, and, well, I never technically finished 8th grade. I would get really angry just from all the bitterness, but also from the boredom- all I COULD do was fuck around on the internet and homeschooling, and both of them relied on my laptop. When my mom used it, I grew restless quite quickly. Especially since I was getting up at 2:00, hungry, and eating at 4:00. We hit, we screamed, we cried. She never listened, probably didn't care.
A little over a year of this and she finally sent me to live with my father for a while. After that my attendance at my freshman year of public high school improved, and I took several advanced classes and did well in them. Homework killed me and I didn't make any friends, but that was that. After two months or so, my mom came to pick me up, but I didn't want to go back. She didn't take it well. I only saw her very infrequently for a while after that, but it gradually warmed up as my dad's negative traits started coming forward again. I knew I was breaking her heart, but I still thought that some time apart would teach her to listen to me, to try to understand my outbursts, to show an interest in meeting my needs. But even when she did, she didn't know how. In the end, it didn't work and she still is the same nagging, harassing, threatening and rude way, setting deadlines and making orders. In short, she doesn't treat me like a teenager or an individual, but as a very unreasonable six year old. I still love her, and even trust her. It's just not always a good investment.
My dad, on the other hand... sophomore year is when things started to go downhill. I'd have to stay up late by virtue of my ridiculous workload, and I refused to drop any classes because I really thought they were good to take and would get me ahead. (Ha, Ha) "Damn you, Paul," was something he'd repeat whenever I didn't go to bed when he liked. He started to take a great interest in me not using the internet late and would even cut it off and keep me from doing my assignments because he thought I was distracted, which is to say, taking breaks. Doing it slowly was much better than not doing it, and I didn't have any other time to relax. But my grades didn't meet his expectations and I got in legal trouble for my god-awful attendance. Junior year he cracked down and ultimately under all the pressure I broke down. I signed up for an online NASA course that I couldn't fit on my plate, the Pre-Calculus Pre-AP class wasn't teaching me anything I didn't know because of my insistence on taking Algebra 2 Pre-AP but gave me daily homework anyway, I just couldn't handle it and snapped in my fourth six weeks. But I did manage to save my grade somewhat. In the summer, I tried to do a distinguished, expensive summer engineering program that I just couldn't hack. There was no room in my head for homework and I eventually got three strikes and was out of the program. (One of those strikes was for writing an angry note to a fellow student that I had no intention of giving to him, and when the professor assistants or whatever saw it they .) But I had determined to give the middle finger to those guys anyway since they thought cutting half the program's grade because of a noisy auditorium was an acceptable solution when scholarships and futures were on the line. This problem continued into the beginning of my senior year. My dad got more and more abusive and two weeks in I fled to my mom's house.
Let me illustrate this in a microcosm- one day Sophomore year he screamed his head off at me saying that he hated seeing me at my desk on my computer when he came home from work without acknowledging his presence. So every day when he came home from work, I'd go "Hi Dad," and he'd either sigh (bad news stay the fuck clear he's going to find something irrelevant to yell about), stay quiet (probably safe just do your homework), or say "Hey Paul!" (good mood). That was how I knew how the rest of the day was going to go. It depended entirely on him and not on me. I could get suspended and he would take me out to eat, and I could have a few missing assignments and he'd beat me. He started snatching my phone away at various points in my Junior year, breaking both it and my brand new Chromebook that I had paid for in the fourth six weeks. He fixed it, and then broke it again, as he was trying to factory reset it because of a software error it had and I wouldn't let him and we kind of tug-of-war'd it literal minutes after he had put the new screen on. I didn't have a smartphone for about a year and a half after that at which point I bought one.
Later, he would break and enter my mom's house and literally drag me out of it while nobody else was inside it. The police did nothing because he owned half the house and he was white and charismatic, permanent injunction be damned, and I had to go to physical therapy over damage he did to my back. The damn cops even said he was in his right to take me from the house to his home... but he had apparently lost his insane frenzy at that point and let me and Dyana return home like nothing happened. At Starbucks we ran into a Black friend of my dad's who tried to play apologist for my dad, severely underestimating what he was doing and playing it off as Just A Concerned Parent. I don't remember a thing the man actually said, but I remember the contempt I held for him and people as naive as him.
I finally graduated high school, with only a few acquaintances to show for it and no smartphone with which to keep things tight. That summer, my mom ran into...
Larry Ellison Saves The Day
No, not One Rich Asshole Called. It seemed to be a fake identity used by Ghanaian scammers that happened to have the same name. My mom got messaged by him/them on Facebook and despite her initial hostility it seems the person on the other end was human enough for mom to fall for him/them (read: she had refused to go on any dates up to that point and was hypersensitive to men paying attention to her). This guy would message her nonstop with his sob script asking for attention and a few weeks into the run he started asking for money. You see, he was a rich Floridian who had a big fancy empty two-story house in Miami Beach because his wife had died and he had no connections and he was a petroleum engineer working on a British tanker that could come to live with her in Texas and rapture her from poverty, but he had been trapped in the corrupt Ghanaian government's bureaucracy and couldn't leave without paying their fees. My mom was obviously incredulous so she asked for photo evidence and he would always flip his shit and get offended and eventually provided a few. But they were fake as hell, fake written all over them, with just a simple zoom making this clear, but my mom wanted to believe, and so she did. She sent him thousands of dollars, possibly ten thousand or so. Apparently she was able to get most or all of it back but I'm not sure who to believe any more. After she woke up they kept pestering her. He even offered to video call her but oops, there was a bad connection! Imagine the luck! They cut off our food stamps around this time, too. We went a whole month or so on the good will of the few connections we've made in San Antonio. This isn't actually very notable in the grand scheme of things but it's the most bizarre part of the story and it's the part where a shining light of hope presented itself, faded, and came back, because as this saga was wrapping up...
My mom finally received contact from a very, very busy state-wide legal aid service that took years to get around to her. And it really does seem like they're going to help us; I mean, this is a completely wild and probably very easy case that only needed a prosecutor. And if this pans out, we're finally going to be able to go to Puerto Rico. I'll only have to take two semesters or even one at the community college I've been dreading and be free to go to the college I've always wanted to in my homeland where I have family and don't feel like a lonely man with lonely problems but as a member of a warm and mutualistic community.
So here I am. Almost friendless, almost hopeless, almost aimless. But not quite. And what I've learned is going into a novel, a book that's as much about grief and coping and betrayal as it is about aliens and dragons and alien dragons. And once I'm done writing all five parts, if I still have nothing, I guess I'll just kill myself or something. Always room to make plans.
Many, many tears were shed writing this. Thank you for making it this far. This is going to sound corny, but I'm going to ask you to please love those around you and never put them through anything a fraction of a fraction as horrible as this even if they would do it to you.
submitted by Flambongsmoke to raisedbynarcissists [link] [comments]


2017.05.15 07:11 tombstoneshadows28 All of the MPAA/CARA-rated films of 1976 (out of the 2,912 films released worldwide that year.)

G
  1. A Whale Of A Tale (Director: Ewing Miles Brown)
  2. Across The Great Divide (Director: Stewart Raffill)
  3. Baker’s Hawk (Director: Lyman Dayton)
  4. Bugsy Malone (Director: Alan Parker)
  5. Elmer (Director: Christopher Cain)
  6. Escape From Angola (Director: Leslie H. Martinson)
  7. Freaky Friday (Director: Gary Nelson)
  8. Goin’ Home (Director: Chris Prentiss)
  9. Guardian Of The Wilderness (Director: David O’Malley
  10. Gus (Director: Vincent McEveety)
  11. Hawmps! (Director: Joe Camp)
  12. It Shouldn’t Happen To A Vet (Director: Eric Till)
  13. Joe Panther (Director: Paul Krasny)
  14. King Kung Fu (Director: Lance D. Hayes)
  15. Let The Balloon Back (Director: Oliver Howes)
  16. Mark Twain, America (Director: Robert Wilbor)
  17. Mastermind (Director: Alex March)
  18. Mustang Country (Director: John C. Champion)
  19. No Deposit, No Return (Director: Norman Tokar)
  20. One Chance To Win (Director: Charles Bush)
  21. Paco (Director: Robert Vincent O’Neill)
  22. Pony Express Rider (Director: Robert Totten)
  23. Sasquatch: The Legend Of Bigfoot (Director: Ed Ragozzino)
  24. Sounder, Part II (Director: William A. Graham)
  25. Super Seal (Director: Michael Dugan)
  26. The Adventures Of Frontier Fremont (Director: Richard Friedenberg)
  27. The Amazing Dobermans (Director: Byron Chudnow)
  28. The Blue Bird (Director: George Cukor)
  29. The Little Mermaid (Director: Vladimir Bychkov)
  30. The Littlest Horse Thieves (Director: Charles Jarrott)
  31. The Secret Of Navajo Cave (Director: James T. Flocker)
  32. The Shaggy D.A. (Director: Robert Stevenson)
  33. The Slipper + The Rose: The Story Of Cinderella (Director: Bryan Forbes)
  34. The Smurfs + The Magic Flute (Director: Peyo)
  35. The Southern Double Cross (Director: Don Edmonds)
  36. The Wackiest Wagon Train In The West (Director: Jack Arnold, Earl Bellamy, Bruce Bilson, Oscar Rudolph)
  37. Treasure Of Matecumbe (Director: Vincent McEveety)
PG
  1. A Dirty Knight’s Work (Director: Kevin Connor)
  2. A Matter Of Time (Director: Vincente Minnelli)
  3. Acapulco Gold (Director: Burt Brinckerhoff)
  4. Aces High (Director: Jack Gold)
  5. Adiós Amigo (Director: Fred Williamson)
  6. All The President’s Men (Director: Alan J. Pakula)
  7. Allegro non Troppo (Director: Bruno Bozzetto)
  8. Alpha Beta (Director: Anthony Page)
  9. Ape (Director: Paul Leder)
  10. At The Earth’s Core (Director: Kevin Connor
  11. Baby Blue Marine (Director: John D. Hancock)
  12. Birch Interval (Director: Delbert Mann)
  13. Bittersweet Love (Director: David Miller)
  14. Black + White In Color (Director: Jean-Jacques Annaud)
  15. Blood Bath (Director: Joel M. Reed)
  16. Bound For Glory (Director: Hal Ashby)
  17. Buffalo Bill + The Indians, or Sitting Bull’s History Lesson (Director: Robert Altman)
  18. Burnt Offerings (Director: Dan Curtis)
  19. Car Wash (Director: Michael Schultz)
  20. Cool Red (Director: Ossie Davis)
  21. Crash! (Director: Charles Band)
  22. Creature From Black Lake (Director: Joy N. Houck, Jr.
  23. Cria Cuervos (Director: Carlos Saura)
  24. Dark August (Director: Martin Goldman)
  25. Dark Sunday (Director: Jimmy Huston)
  26. Diary Of The Dead (Director: Arvin Brown)
  27. Dixie Dynamite (Director: Lee Frost)
  28. Doc Hooker’s Bunch (Director: Zack Belcher)
  29. Dracula + Son (Director: Édouard Molinaro
  30. Dragonfly (Director: Gilbert Cates)
  31. Drive-In (Director: Rod Amateau)
  32. Eat My Dust (Director: Charles B. Griffith)
  33. Echoes Of A Summer (Director: Don Taylor)
  34. Embryo (Director: Ralph Nelson)
  35. Family Plot (Director: Alfred Hitchcock)
  36. Feng shen bang (Director: Chih Hui Chang)
  37. From Noon Till Three (Director: Frank D. Gilroy)
  38. Futureworld (Director: Richard T. Heffron)
  39. Gator (Director: Burt Reynolds)
  40. Grizzly (Director: William Girdler)
  41. Harry + Walter Go To New York (Director: Mark Rydell)
  42. Help Me...I’m Possessed (Director: Charles Nizet)
  43. High Rollers (Director: Sergio Corbucci)
  44. High Velocity (Director: Remi Kramer)
  45. Hot Potato (Director: Oscar Williams)
  46. Illustrious Corpses (Director: Francesco Rosi)
  47. Jim, The World’s Greatest (Directors: Don Coscarelli + Craig Mitchell)
  48. Karate Killer (Director: Ivan Hall)
  49. Kenny + Company (Director: Don Coscarelli)
  50. King Kong (Director: John Guillermin)
  51. Kiss Of The Tarantula (Director: Chris Munger)
  52. Land Of The Minotaur (Director: Kostas Karagiannis)
  53. Leadbelly (Director: Gordon Parks)
  54. Lifeguard (Director: Daniel Petrie)
  55. Logan’s Run (Director: Michael Anderson)
  56. Mako: The Jaws Of Death (Director: William Grefe)
  57. Midway (Director: Jack Smight)
  58. Mother, Jugs + Speed (Director: Peter Yates)
  59. Moving Violation (Director: Charles S. Dubin)
  60. Murder By Death (Director: Robert Moore)
  61. Nickelodeon (Director: Peter Bogdanovich)
  62. No Longer Alone (Director: Nicholas Webster)
  63. Norman...Is That You? (Director: George Schlatter)
  64. Northville Cemetery Massacre (Directors: William Dear + Thomas Van Dyke)
  65. Panama Red (Director: Bob Chinn)
  66. Pardon Mon Affaire (Director: Yves Robert)
  67. Pipe Dreams (Director: Stephen Verona)
  68. Rattlers (Director: John McCauley)
  69. Robin + Marian (Director: Richard Lester)
  70. Rocky (Director: John G. Avildsen)
  71. Second Wind (Director: Donald Shebib)
  72. Secuestro (Director: León Klimovsky)
  73. Seven Spirit Panda (Director: Sheng Tang)
  74. Shadow Of The Hawk (Directors: George McCowan + Daryl Duke)
  75. She Devils In Chains (Director: Cirio H. Santiago)
  76. Shout At The Devil (Director: Peter R. Hunt)
  77. Second Chance (Director: Claude Lelouch)
  78. Silent Movie (Director: Mel Brooks)
  79. Silver Streak (Director: Arthur Hiller)
  80. Sisters Of Death (Director: Joe Mazzuca)
  81. Sky Riders (Director: Douglas Hickox)
  82. Small Change (Director: François Truffaut)
  83. Smile Orange (Director: Trevor D. Rhone)
  84. Sparkle (Director: Sam O’Steen)
  85. Special Delivery (Director: Paul Wendkos)
  86. St. Ives (Director: J. Lee Thompson)
  87. Swashbuckler (Director: James Goldstone
  88. Sweet Revenge (Director: Jerry Schatzberg)
  89. Tang shan jie quan dao (Director: Bing Lin)
  90. The Bad News Bears (Director: Michael Ritchie)
  91. The Big Bus (Director: Francis Reusser)
  92. The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars + Motor Kings (Director: John Badham)
  93. The Duchess + The Dirtwater Fox (Director: Melvin Frank)
  94. The Eagle Has Landed (Director: John Sturges)
  95. The Food Of The Gods (Director: Bert I. Gordon)
  96. The Front (Director: Martin Ritt)
  97. The Great Scout + Cathouse Thursday (Director: Don Taylor)
  98. The Gumball Rally (Director: Charles Bail)
  99. The Incredible Sarah (Director: Richard Fleischer)
  100. The Killer Meteors (Director: Wei Lo)
  101. The Last Tycoon (Director: Elia Kazan)
  102. The Legend Of Jedediah Carver (Director: Dewitt Lee)
  103. The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane (Director: Nicolas Gessner)
  104. The Long Night (Director: Woodie King, Jr.)
  105. The Loves + Times Of Scaramouche (Director: Enzo G. Castellari)
  106. The Marquise Of O (Director: Éric Rohmer)
  107. The Message (Director: Moustapha Akkad)
  108. The Missouri Breaks (Director: Arthur Penn)
  109. The Monkey Hu$tle (Director: Arthur Marks)
  110. The Outlaw Josie Wales (Director: Clint Eastwood + Philip Kaufman)
  111. The Passover Plot (Director: Michael Campus)
  112. The Pink Panther Strikes Again (Director: Blake Edwards)
  113. The Premonition (Director: Robert Allen Schnitzer)
  114. The Return Of A Man Called Horse (Director: Irvin Kershner)
  115. The Sell-Out (Director: Peter Collinson)
  116. The Seven-Per-Cent Solution (Director: Herbert Ross)
  117. The Shootist (Director: Don Siegel)
  118. The Spy Who Never Was (Directors: Reza Badiyi + Uri Massad)
  119. The Swiss Conspiracy (Director: Jack Arnold)
  120. The Winds Of Autumn (Director: Charles B. Piece)
  121. The Zebra Force (Director: Joe Tornatore)
  122. Track Of The Moon Beast (Director: Richard Ashe)
  123. Vigilante Force (Director: George Armitage)
  124. Voyage Of The Damned (Director: Stuart Rosenberg)
  125. W.C. Fields And Me (Director: Arthur Hiller)
  126. Woman In The Rain (Director: Paul Hunt)
  127. Won Ton Ton: The Dog Who Saved Hollywood (Director: Michael Winner)
R
  1. 1900 (Director: Bernardo Bertolucci)
  2. 20th Century Oz (Director: Chris Löfvén)
  3. 69 Minutes (Director: Ian Morrison)
  4. A Small Town In Texas (Director: Jack Starrett)
  5. A Star Is Born (Director: Frank Pierson)
  6. Ain’t That Just Like A Honkey! (Director: Charles Hardon)
  7. Alex + The Gypsy (Director: John Korty)
  8. Alice, Sweet Alice (Communion) (Director: Alfred Sole)
  9. Angels (Director: Spencer Compton)
  10. Assault On Precinct 13 (Director: John Carpenter)
  11. Attention les yeux! (Director: Gérard Pirès)
  12. Bathtime In Bangkok (Director: Sigi Rothemund)
  13. Black Cobra Woman (Director: Joe D’Amato)
  14. Black Dragon vs. The Yellow Tiger (Director: unknown)
  15. Black Heat (Director: Al Adamson)
  16. Black Shampoo (Director: Greydon Clark)
  17. Blind Rage (Director: Efren C. Piñon)
  18. Blood Voyage (Director: Frank Mitchell)
  19. Bobbie Jo + The Outlaw (Director: Mark L. Lester)
  20. Breaking Point (Director: Bob Clark)
  21. Brotherhood Of Death (Director: Bill Berry)
  22. Bruce Lee Fights Back From The Grave (Director: Doo-yong Lee)
  23. Bruce Lee: The Man, The Myth (Director: See-Yuen Ng)
  24. Bruce’s Deadly Fingers (Director: Joseph Velasco)
  25. C.B. Hustlers (Director: Stu Segall)
  26. Cannonball! (Director: Paul Bartel)
  27. Carrie (Director: Brian De Palma)
  28. Cat Murkil + The Silks (Director: John A. Bushelman)
  29. Challenge Of The Masters (Chia-Liang Liu)
  30. Chesty Anderson, U.S. Navy (Director: Ed Forsyth)
  31. Crime + Passion (Director: Ivan Passer)
  32. Cry Your Purple Heart Out (Director: Ogden Lowell)
  33. Crypt Of Dark Secrets (Director: Jack Weis)
  34. Date With A Kidnapper (Director: Frederick R. Friedel)
  35. Death Journey (Director: Fred Williamson)
  36. Death Kiss (Director: Kostas Karagiannis)
  37. Death Machines (Director: Paul Kyriazi)
  38. Death Rage (Director: Antonio Margheriti)
  39. Death Of A Snowman (Director: Christopher Rowley)
  40. Dirty Ho (Director: Chia-Liang Liu)
  41. Dogs (Director: Burt Brinckerhoff)
  42. Dona Flor + Her Two Husbands (Director: Bruno Barreto)
  43. Dr. Black, Dr. Hyde (Director: William Crain)
  44. Drive-In Massacre (Director: Stu Segall)
  45. Drum (Directors: Steve Carver + Burt Kennedy)
  46. East End Hustle (Director: Frank Vitale)
  47. Eaten Alive (Director: Tobe Hooper)
  48. Emanuelle In Bangkok (Director: Joe D’Amato)
  49. The Awakening Of Emily (Director: Henry Herbert)
  50. Emma Mae (Director: Jamaa Fanaka)
  51. Emmanuelle bianca e nera (Director: Mario Pinzauti)
  52. Emanuelle On Taboo Island (Director: Enzo D’Ambrosio)
  53. Everyday (Director: George B. Britton)
  54. Evil Heritage (Satan’s Slave) (Director: Norman J. Warren)
  55. Exit The Dragon, Enter The Tiger (Director: Tso Nam Lee)
  56. Face To Face (Director: Ingmar Bergman)
  57. Fellini’s Casanova (Director: Federico Fellini)
  58. Fighting Mad (Director: Jonathan Demme)
  59. Find The Lady (Director: John Trent)
  60. Forever Emmanuelle (Directors: Emmanuelle Arsan, Roberto D'Ettorre Piazzoli, + Louis-Jacques Rollet-Andriane)
  61. The Far Side Of Paradise (Director: Arturo Ripstein)
  62. Gable + Lombard (Director: Sidney J. Furie)
  63. Gang Wars (Director: Barry Rosen)
  64. Getting Together (Director: David Secter)
  65. God’s Gun (Director: Gianfranco Parolini)
  66. God Told Me To (Director: Larry Cohen)
  67. Goodbye, Norma Jean (Director: Larry Buchanan)
  68. Holiday Hookers (Director: Armando Nannuzzi)
  69. Hollywood Boulevard (Directors: Allan Arkush + Joe Dante)
  70. Hollywood High (Director: Patrick Write
  71. The Dirty Half-Dozen (Director: Cesar Gallardo)
  72. I Will...I Will...For Now (Director: Norman :Panama)
  73. Ilsa, Harem Keeper Of The Oil Sheiks (Director: Don Edmonds)
  74. Inhibitions (Director: Paolo Poeti)
  75. International Assassin (Director: Shan-His Ting)
  76. J.D.’s Revenge (Director: Arthur Marks)
  77. Jack The Ripper (Director: Jesús Franco)
  78. Jackson County Jail (Director: Michael Miller)
  79. Joshua (Director: Larry G. Spangler)
  80. Karate Kiba (Directors: Ryuichi Takamori + Simon Nuchtern)
  81. Karate Warriors (Director: Kazuhiko Yamaguchi)
  82. The Diamond Mercenaries (Director: Val Guest)
  83. Kilma, Queen Of The Amazons (Director: Miguel Iglesias)
  84. L’innocente (Director: Luchino Visconti)
  85. La professoressa di scienze naturali (Director: Michele Massimo Tarantini)
  86. Li Xiao Long yu wo (Director: Mar Lo)
  87. Lipstick (Director: Lamont Johnson)
  88. Little Girl...Big Tease (Director: Roberto Mitrotti)
  89. Long jia jiang (Director: Hao Chen)
  90. Lumiere (Director: Jeanne Moreau)
  91. Mad Dog Morgan (Director: Philippe Mora)
  92. Man On The Roof (Director: Bo Widerberg)
  93. Mansion Of The Damned (Director: Michael Pataki)
  94. Marathon Man (Director: John Schlesinger)
  95. Massacre At Central High (Director: Rene Daalder)
  96. Master Of The Flying Guillotine (Director: Yu Wang)
  97. Mean Johnny Barrows (Director Fred Williamson)
  98. Mickey + Nicky (Director: Elaine May)
  99. My Friends Need Killing (Director: Paul Leger)
  100. Nashville Girl (Director: Gus Trikonis)
  101. Network (Director: Sidney Lumet)
  102. New Fists Of Fury (Director: Wei Lo)
  103. Next Stop, Greenwich Village (Director: Paul Mazursky)
  104. No Way Back (Director: Fred Williamson)
  105. Now We’ve Seen It All (Director: Georges Lautner)
  106. Redneck Miller (Director: John Clayton)
  107. Revenge Of The Cheerleaders (Director: Richard Lerner)
  108. Rulers Of The City (Director: Fernando Di Leo)
  109. Sammy Somebody (Director: Joseph Adler)
  110. Schizo (Director: Pete Walker)
  111. Scorchy (Director: Howard Avedis)
  112. Sex With A Smile (Director: Sergio Martino)
  113. Shadows In An Empty Room (Director: Alberto De Martino)
  114. Shao Lin men (Director: John Woo)
  115. Shoot (Director: Harvey Hart)
  116. Slumber Party ’57 (Director: William A. Levey)
  117. Sonny Chiba’s “Dragon Princess” (Director: Yu Kohira)
  118. Spanish Fly (Director: Bob Kellett)
  119. Squirm (Director: Jeff Lieberman)
  120. Stay Hungry (Director: Bob Rafelson)
  121. Street People (Directors: Maurizio Lucidi + Guglielmo Garroni)
  122. Submission (Director: Salvatore Samperi)
  123. Surreal Estate (Director: Eduardo de Gregorio)
  124. Survive! (Director: René Cardona)
  125. Take All Of Me (Director: Luigi Cozzi)
  126. Taxi Driver (Director: Martin Scorsese)
  127. Tea For Three (Director: Gerhard Janda)
  128. The Amorous Adventures Of Don Quixote + Sancho Panza (Director: Raphael Nussbaum)
  129. The Bawdy Adventures Of Tom Jones (Director: Cliff Owen)
  130. The Beach Bunnies (Director: Stephen C. Apostolof)
  131. The Best (Director: Mino Guerrini)
  132. The Booby Hatch (Directors: Rudy Ricci + John A. Russo)
  133. The Captive: The Longest Drive II (Director: Lee H. Katzin)
  134. The Cassandra Crossing (Director: George P. Cosmatos)
  135. The Clown Murders (Director: Martyn Burke)
  136. The Confessional (House Of Mortal Sin) (Director: Pete Walker)
  137. The Death Collector (Director: Ralph De Vito)
  138. The Electric Chair (Director: J.G. Patterson, Jr.)
  139. The Enforcer (Director: James Fargo)
  140. The First Nudie Musical (Directors: Mark Haggard + Bruce Kimmel)
  141. The Girls Who’ll Do Anything (Director: Boaz Davidson)
  142. The Great Texas Dynamite Chase (Director: Michael Pressman)
  143. The House By The Lake (Director: William Fruet)
  144. The Human Tornado (Director: Cliff Roquemore)
  145. The Inheritance (Director: Mauro Bolognini)
  146. The Insatiable Widow (Director: Armando Bo)
  147. The Keeper (Director: T.Y. Drake)
  148. The Killer Inside Me (Director: Burt Kennedy)
  149. The Killing Of A Chinese Bookie (Director: John Cassavetes)
  150. The Last Affair (Director: Henri Charr)
  151. The Last Hard Men (Director: Andrew V. McLaglen)
  152. The Man Who Fell To Earth (Director: Nicolas Roeg)
  153. The Money (Director: Chuck Workman)
  154. The Muthers (Director: Cirio H. Santiago)
  155. The Next Man (Director: Richard C. Sarafian)
  156. The Night Of The Askari (Director: Jürgen Goslar)
  157. The Omen (Director: Richard Donner)
  158. The People Who Own The Dark (Director: León Klimovsky)
  159. The Pom Pom Girls (Director: Joseph Ruben)
  160. The Ritz (Director: Richard Lester)
  161. The River Niger (Director: Krishna Shah)
  162. The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With The Sea (Director: Lewis John Carlino)
  163. The Student Body (Director: Gus Trikonis)
  164. The Tenant (Director: Roman Polanski)
  165. The Tough Ones (Director: Umberto Lenzi)
  166. The Town That Dreaded Sundown (Director: Charles B. Pierce)
  167. The Ups + Downs Of A Handyman (Director: John Sealey)
  168. The Witch Who Came From The Sea (Director: Matt Cimber)
  169. The Yum Yum Girls (Director: Barry Rosen)
  170. Things To Come (Director: Derek Todd)
  171. To The Devil A Daughter (Director: Peter Sykes)
  172. Trackdown (Director: Richard T. Heffron)
  173. Tunnel Vision (Directors: Neal Israel + Bradley R. Swirnoff)
  174. Two Minute Warning (Director: Larry Peerce)
  175. Velluto nero (Director: Brunello Rondi)
  176. Velvet Smooth (Director: Michael Fink)
  177. Welcome To L.A. (Director: Alan Rudolph)
  178. Werewolf Woman (Director: Rino Di Silvestro)
  179. Who Can Kill A Child? (Director: Narciso Ibáñez Serrador)
  180. Whose Child Am I? (Director: Gerry O’Hara)
  181. Young Dragon (Director: Joseph Kuo)
  182. Zhong yuan biao ju (Director: Yang Ming Tsai)
X (most later re-rated R or re-released sans rating altogether)
  1. Annie (Director: Massimo Dallamano)
  2. Bloodsucking Freaks (Director: Joel M. Reed)
  3. Deported Women Of The SS Special Section (Director: Rino Di Silvestro)
  4. In The Realm Of The Senses (Director: Nagisa Ôshima) (later re-rated NC-17)
  5. Sebastiane (Directors: Paul Humfress + Derek Jarman)
  6. The Last Woman (Director: Marco Ferreri)
  7. Trauma (Director: James Kenelm Clarke)
  8. Up! (Director: Russ Meyer)
submitted by tombstoneshadows28 to movies [link] [comments]


2017.01.23 05:42 wmnoe What's Happening - Week of January 23, 2017

This is a pretty big week in Topps WWE SLAM. We get Raw, Smackdown, 205Live AND NXT Takeover plus it's Royal Rumble time on Sunday! ON top of all that, a Major Announcement on Monday!
Monday January 23, 2017
1) Cesaro (w/Sheamus) vs. Luke Gallows (w/Karl Anderson). Before the match we get a recap of last week's RAW when the Club seemingly beat the Tag champs for the title only to have the refs reverse the decision and award them the match via DQ. There's now a Tag-Title match set for the Rumble kick off show with not one but TWO referees. We go to break and coming back we see the beginning of the match that saw Sheamus chasing Anderson away from the ring into the back. Gallows dominates the early action until Cesaro turns the tide with a tornado DDT and tries to get the fireman swing, but Gallows escapes to encounter Sheamus at ringside. Cesaro gives Luke a big boot as he tries to get back in the ring and Sheamus takes advantage too. Gallows back in and Cesaro has him in the sharpshooter tapping but the ref is distracted by a running in Anderson. Gallows recovers and plants Cesaro face-first into the mat and gets the pinfall. Here is your winner Luke Gallows.
2) Seth Rollins vs. Sami Zayn - If Sami wins he gets Seth Rollins Royal Rumble Spot. During the ring intros Corey Graves says that this is the biggest Royal Rumble field he can remember. I guess he doesn't remember 2011 when there were 40 guys in the ring. Opening the match Seth gets a wristlock and a pinning attempt. Then "Set Rollins" as Michael Cole cannot pronounce "SETH" gets a headlock and another pin attempt. Sami starts to work on Seth's left arm and he gets a pin attempt. After several minutes of technical wrestling Seth finally starts to brawl and Sami goes for a flying manuever and flies on his own suicide diving Zayn outside the ring. And Commercial. Back from break Seth is controlling Sami in the ring and dominating the action. Sami sidesteps a top rope move and gets a blue-thunder bomb and a 2 count. Seth recovers with punches in the corner, Sami gets a flying body press from the corner but Seth rolls through for a 2 count. Sami plants him with a Michinoku driver and another 2 count. Then goes back to the top turnbuckle only to get caught, but blocks it. Seth to the top and a blockbuster and another 2 count. Seth looks frustrated and shakes his head while Sami recovers. A couple of knees to Sami's chest, and he picks him up for a pile driver, but Sami jumps over. Seth gets a kick to the face, and a 2 count. He then gets a Falcon Arrow and a 2 count. Sami is still alive as Seth starts punching to the face, and Sami gives back blow for blow. Seth gets a kick to the face, and looks for the Pedigree, but Sami squirrels out and a DDT, goes for the Helluva kick and Seth dodges. He goes for the Pedigree again but Sami tosses him over the top rope outside the ring and the ref starts the count. Sami goes to the top turnbuckle but Seth rolls back in and kicks Sami to the head. He goes for a Pedigree from the top rope but Sami fights out of it. Sami hits a sunset flip into a powerbomb and yet another 2 count. Sami goes for full nelson but eats an Insuguri. He quickly recovers and hits Seth in the head setting up the Helluva in the corner. Seth moves and Sami goes outside on the apron, he dodges the Helluva kick and hits a Pedigree on the apron. He rolls Sami into the ring and starts to go for the pin, but Triple H's music hits and Seth is distracted. The Game doesn't appear and Sami rolls up Rollins and gets the pinfall. Here is your winner SAMI ZAYN! And Sami is in the Royal Rumble. Honestly a great match with good story telling. And is Triple H even there?
3) Ariya Daivari, Tony Nese & Drew Gulak vs. Jack Gallagher, TJ Perkins & Mustafa Ali in a 6 man Cruiserweight Tag Match. But first a video feature on Ali who was introduced as a heel but has quickly turned face. Gallagher starts and Daivari quickly decides to get out and Gulak is in. The Extraordinary Gentleman does his signature spots and tags in Perkins who goes for a huracanrana but gets caught up. Gulak takes the upper hand and tags in Nese. Perkins recovers and hits a neckbreaker. Nese revives and takes control with several power moves and a leg scissors working the ribs. Perkins escapes and rolls out of Nese springboard moonsault attempt, He tags in Ali and Nese tags in Gulak. Ali dominates and hits a neckbreaker and goes for a pin, which is broken up the other two heels. This brings in all the wrestlers. Eventually Ali hits a Inverted 450 Splash from the top turnbuckle and a pinfall on Gulak. Here are your winners Jack Gallagher, TJ Perkins and Mustafa Ali. Austin Aries says he's impressed with everyone in the ring except TJ Perkins' haircut. I agree. Backstage we see the New Day on their way to the ring. Apparently we got a cameo by Sasha Banks husband Mikaze, I missed it.
4) Rusev, Jinder Mahal, Titus O'Neil & Braun Strowman (w/Lana) vs. The New Day (Kofi Kingston & Big E), Enzo & Big Cass w/Xavier Woods. The heels dominate the first part of the match with Titus on Kofi. Kofi sends Titus outside and Braun rolls him back in. He tags Jinder and Kofi tags Cass. Cass beats up Jinder and tags in Enzo and they hit Air Enzo for a 1 count which is broken up by Titus, that brings in Big E who get a belly-to-belly on TItus, and Rusev in to take out everyone. Kofi with a suicide bomb on the 3 heels outside the ring. Enzo is the legal man with Jinder, but Strowman blind tags himself in with Enzo. Corey acts the heel announcer saying finally all his dreams have come true. Strowman manhandles Enzo, but the scrappy one fights back until he's powerslammed by Braun for the 3 count. The Heels go over here in a hot mess. As Strowman celebrates Big Show's music hits and he returns looking svelte and in shape for the first time in his career. Big show enters the ring and actually dwarfs Strowman. They stare at each other and Braun backs down out of the ring. Show just smiles. DANG. They hype Show in the Rumble. He and the New Day go talk to the announcers to announce that he's back.
5) United States Heavyweight Championship Match - Roman Reigns vs. Chris Jericho (Champion w/Kevin Owens) Reigns gets in the first offense and tosses Y2J outside, then bounces him off the apron and into the barricade. Drive by sends us to commercial. Back from break Jericho is in control, back and forth action until Reigns gets a 2 count. Reigns hits a superman punch and looks to get the pin and Owens interferes to cause the DQ. They beat down the Big Dog and then call for the Shark Cage to be lowered and try to lock him in the cage. He fights back escaping and locking Owens in the cage.
6) Nia Jax vs. Enhancement Talent. Squash in about 10 seconds. Charly tries to interview her in the ring, and Nia grabs the mic and dedicates this victory to the recently deceased career of Sasha Banks. Painful. Thankfully she's interrupted by the Boss who limps down to the ring with her crutch. She whacks Nia's ankles with the crutch and then enters the ring unloading with crutch shots. Then she dumps Nia out of the ring and hits a double flying knee, charged up on the way out!
7) Noam Dar (w/Alicia Fox) vs. WWE Cruiserweight Champion Rich Swan (Non-title) - Lots of flippy stuff to start, and Dar bails outside, Swann looks to fly but Dar uses Alicia as a human shield. Commercial. Swann gets the victory quickly with a kick to the head right after break. He calls out Neville after the match saying they don't have to wait until Sunday. Here he comes and Swann is fired up, but Neville doesn't get into the ring, and Swann flies outside to pull him in but Neville escapes. Goldberg talking segment to end the show.
Tuesday January 24, 2017
1) Randy Orton vs. Luke Harper with Bray Wyatt at ringside. Couple of collar and elbow tie-ups to start with clean breaks. Randy gets in a bit of offense and Harper bails outside. Randy stalks him only to eat a kick. Bray watches stoically at ringside. Harper rolls the Viper back in and continues the offense but Randy explodes with a couple of lariats. He hits a DDT while Harper is on the ropes and the crowd is clearly behind him. Harper bails again and Randy follows. He drops Harper back first on the barricade and then back first on the announce table. Harper recovers to kick Randy in the head and both men are down. Bray gets up to assess the situation. He pulls Randy up and tosses him back in the ring. He then tosses Harper back in the ring and goes back to sit down. Commercial. Back in the ring Harper has a headlock on Randy, and eventually gives him a big body slam. Harper climbs the turnbuckle only to eat some punches from the Viper. Orton climbs after him and gives him a huge super-plex and both men are down. Randy recovers for a 2 count then a power slam for another 2 count. Harper recovers and gets some offense in and a 2 count. Harper dodges an RKO and gets two more near falls. Randy recovers, hits the RKO and gets the pin. After the match Bray enters the ring, helps Harper up and then gives him a Sister Abigail for losing. I guess Harper is out of the Wyatts or as JBL says is it just tough love? We'll have to see.
2) 10 Man Over the Top Rope Battle Royal - Winner gets an entry to the Royal Rumble - Vaudevillains (Simon Gotch & Aidan English), Rhyno & Heath Slater, The Ascension (Konner & Viktor), Mojo Rawley, Curt Hawkins, and Breezeango (Tyler Breeze & Fandango) with Baron Corbin on commentary. As the bell rings Rhyno tries to eliminate Slater first, but fails. Then the Vaudevillains are both eliminated. Mojo then takes out Curt Hawkins. Slater eliminates Viktor, then Rhyno gores Slater for an elimination. Mojo takes out both Rhyno and Konner and we're left with Breezeango and Mojo. They attack him as a team, Breeze then accidentally eliminates his partner and then Mojo eliminates Tyler and he's in the Rumble. This was really quick and meaningless. Nothing really exciting here.
3) Kaliso vs. Dolph Ziggler - but first a replay of Dolph kicking Jerry Lawler last week. Bell rings and Kalisto comes out swinging, but Dolph quickly takes over. Kalisto dodges a super kick, and goes for a Torkneedo, but eats a superkick instead and Dolph gets a pin within minutes. After the match Dolph goes to get a chair, JBL stands up to yell at him and then Apollo Crews attacks Ziggler from behind saving Kalisto from a beat down Ziggler heels it up the ramp. Shall we see Ziggler vs. Crews on the Rumble pre-show? Naomi vs. Natalya next
4) Naomi vs Natalya - Naomi makes her ring entrance and Nattie's music hits, but no Nattie. We cut to backstage and Nikki is angrily attacking Nattie. Naomi isn't having it, she wants an opponent. She's not leaving the ring until someone from the back comes out...who's it going to be? ALEXA BLISS comes out with a mic, but it's not her answering the call. Alexa teases she's going to give her a title shot but leaves holding the title. Pretty lame actually. I wouldn't have minded seeing Mickie James come out. Anyway, no match I guess.
5) WWE Intercontinental Championship Lumberjack Match - The Miz (w/Maryse) vs. Dean Ambrose (Champion) - Dean is interviewed by Charly before the match. Miz is introduced, and then the Lumberjacks enter led by Baron Corbin. Commercial. Ambrose is introed and the match starts. The champ immediately tries to toss Miz out of the ring only to have Miz stop on the apron, Miz succeeds in tossing Dean and he scurries right back in the ring. He gets tossed a second time and attacks Breezeango before he gets tossed back in. Miz on the offense. Ambrose gets some offense in, Miz looks to escape but gets a reminded from the lumberjacks. Dean tosses him again and the lumberjacks start the beatdown. Commercial. Back from break both men are on the top turnbuckle, and the lumberjacks pull the Champ out of the ring and beat him down. Miz throws Ambrose out again the face jacks don't beat him down, instead the heels come over to put him back in the ring, and Miz gets a 2 count. Miz does the Daniel Bryan kicks and goes for a pin but Ambrose counters and gets a 2 count. Miz tosses Ambrose again and Ambrose fights off the jacks, including Corbin who eats a face full of ringpost. Ambrose in the ring hits a Lunatic Elbow from the top rope and goes for a pin to get a 2 count. Amrbose on offense and tosses Miz who gets picked up by the lumber jacks with Ambrose following quickly with a suicide dive and it's chaos outside the ring. Maryse interferes with Ambrose getting in the ring and Ambrose eats a running knee for a 2 count. Miz hits two corner drop kicks ala Daniel Bryan and the announcers comment on the comparison. He goes for a third and Ambrose tosses him out again, the lumberjacks catch him and Dean goes for a suicide dive yet again and everyone is on the floor. The champ throws Miz back in the ring. Mauro notices Miz is nursing his right ribs. They exchange pin attempts, Dean gets a Lunatic Lariat and a 2 count only to be broken up by Baron Corbin and the rest ofthe lumber jacks are in and a huge chaotic mess starts. Eventually they're all tossed, Miz gets a quick pinning attempt on Dean for a 2, but Dean kicks out, hits the Dirty Deeds and the pinfall retaining the Intercontinental Championship. 205Live is next.
1) TJ Perkins vs. Tony Nese - I'm really not into TJP anymore. Perkins picks up the pinfall victory and Nese attacks him afterwards saying he won the match. Nothing special here to be honest. Nese is emerging as a credible Heel and TJP is a terrible face.
2) The Brian Kendrick vs. Trip Bradshaw - As Kendrick enters the ring he runs down his opponent saying that no one is going to take his spot. Kendrick offers a handshake before the match and immediately takes him down with an armdrag. It's all Kendrick for the whole match and he finished with the Captains Hook for the submission victory.
3) Cedric Alexander vs. Neville. Lot of back and forth action, Alexander has control and Noam Dar runs down, but Alexander takes him out before he can do harm. He trips as he gets back into the ring and Neville puts him away via the Lion's Den submission. After the match Dar enters the ring and tries to get on Neville's good side, but Neville tosses him and proceeds to give the boots to Alexander, only to have Swann run down to save his buddy and the fight is on between the combatants at the Rumble. Meanwhile Alexander and Dar get into it on the ramp. Officials pour into the ring to separate Neville and Swann. Talking Smack is next.
Wednesday January 25, 2017
Thursday January 26, 2017
Friday January 27, 2017
Saturday January 28, 2017
1) Tye Dillinger vs. Eric Young (w/Sanity) - Young pinned Dillinger after wheelbarrow neckbreaker
2) Andrade "Cien" Almas vs. Roderick Strong - Strong pinned Almas after a Sick.
3) NXT Tag Team Championship - Authors of Pain (Rezar & Akam) w/Paul Ellering vs. #DIY (Johnny Gargano & Tomosso Ciampa - Champions) - DIY had the AOP in their double submission but the AOP managed to break it up, hit the Last Champter and get the pinfall - NEW NXT Tag Team Champions the Authors of Pain
4) NXT Womens' Championship Fatal Four-Way - Nikki Cross vs. Billie Kay vs. Peyton Royce vs. Asuka (Champion) - several minutes into the match Peyton Royce and Billie Kay slam Nikki Cross into the announce table while Asuka was out in the ring. THey get back in the ring and double-team Asuka but can't get a pinfall. Asuka kicks the hell out of Billie, and Peyton delivers the Widows Peak neckbreaker int he middle of the ring but Asuka kicks out at 2. Asuka gets off kicks to both girls and pins Peyton Royce to retain. The Empress of Tomorrow is still your champion at 301 days. And Nikki Cross is ded...
5) NXT Heavyweight Championship - Bobby Roode vs. Shinsuke Nakamura (Champion) - Amazing introductions for both guys, but Shinsuke wins the battle of the ring entrances. Bell rings and they stare at each other while the crowd continues to sing Nakamura's theme song. They feel each other out for a few minutes and Shinsuke gets off a leg kick, and a second one. Almost feels like an MMA match. Armbar for the Champion. Roode rolls out but gets locked in a head scissors. He powers out into a headlock on the champ.
Shinsuke pushes Roode on the ropes and gets a clean break playing head games with the Glorious one. More offense by the champ and Roode backs him into the ropes and asks for a clean break only to give Shinsuke an elbow to the mouth. Then he gets an armbar on the staggered champion. Shinsuke does some flippy shit to get out but Roode slaps a head scissors on him. Shinsuke powers out goes for a foot stomp and a kick and misses both and Bobby taunts Shinsuke and the King of Strong Style unloads on him. A boot to the throat in the corner gets reversed but Shinsuke gets an ensugiri and Roode bails to the outside.
Back in the ring the offense goes back and forth until Roode knocks the champ off the top turnbuckle down to the floor and Bobby is out to capitalize shoving Shinsuke into the ring steps twice, and the champion is selling neck pain. Roode tosses him back in the ring and gets a 2-count. Fists to the forehead soften up the champ, then Roode is shoving the Kings face into the turnbuckle, and following it with chops, thrown into the opposite corner and followed with a running lariat. Double axe-handle from the 2nd tope and a 2-count and Nakamura stays alive.
Roode continues to work on Shinsuke's head and neck area. Another 2-count has Roode getting frustrated. Mind games by Roode and ruthless agression continues. Roode is taking his time and finally Shinsuke gets some offense in, using the side of the apron like a guillotine riding his knee across the back of Roode's neck. Strikes and kicks take down Bobby. Knees to the midsection and a boot to the neck, then he goes for a knee on the top turnbuckle and misses and Roode is back on offense just like that. Nakamura attempts an inverted destroyer but Roode scouts it and responds. But Shinsuke gets back and hits the inverted exploder. Shinsuke loads up the Kinshasha, but Roode isn't moving and Shinsuke is getting frustrated. Roode was playing possum and rolls him up for a 2. Then he gets a high impact move and another 2 count. Goes for a Glorious DDT and is countered, but hits a spine buster and a 2 count. More offense from Bobby and he's got Shinsuke on the top rope, but Shinsuke counters and hits a knee to the chest and goes for the Kinshasha again but gets beaten to the punch and a pinning combo but Roode's feet are on the ropes and the ref sees it and cancels the pinfall. Roode with knife edge chops to the chest. Shinsuke plays possum for a second and then says "COME ON". Knees and strikes from the Champion and Strong Style is on display. Running lariat by Roode and Shinsuke gets him into an Armbar. Turns it into a triangle lock, but Shinsuke's shoulders are down. HE POWERS OUT but Shinsuke slips away and hits a sliding knee and a 2 count. Nakamura is on the 2nd rope and Roode bails only have Nakamura deliver a jumping knee that hurts both men who are down out of the ring. The champion tosses Roode in the ring and follows. Loading up the Kinshasha for a 3rd time he finally hits it but it looks like he's taken his own leg out at the same time and can't get a pinfall. Roode is out cold supposedly. The ref calls for the ringside doctor and Roode is finally up. Shinsuke is saying he's not giving up.
Nakamura is back in the ring, Roode quickly hits the Glorious DDT and gets a 1, 2 and KICKOUT. Holy crap Roode is beside himself. Quickly into a Half-Crab and punching the knee. But Shinsuke isn't tapping. He almost reaches the rope but Roode pulls him back to the middle of the ring. The King tries to get out, tries for a Triangle lock, but can't. Roode hits a second Glorious DDT and gets the pinfall victory. HERE IS YOUR WINNER AND NEW NXT CHAMPION - BOBBY ROODE!
Now that was a fantastic match and an all together great PPV that will be tough to beat tomorrow. Until then GOODNIGht NOW.
Sunday January 29, 2017
K1) RAW Tag Team Championship The Club (Karl Anderson & Luke Gallows) vs. Cesaro & Sheamus (Champions) - 2 referees at Ringside.
K2) Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax
K3) 6 woman Tag Team Match - Alexa Bliss, Natalya & Mickie James vs. Becky Lynch, Nikki Bella & Naomi
1) WWE Cruiserweight Championship - Neville vs. Rich Swann (Champion)
2) RAW Womens' Championship - Bayley vs. Charlotte Flair (Champion)
3) WWE Universal Championship Steel Cage w/Chris Jericho in a Shark Cage above the ring - Roman Reigns vs. Kevin Owens (Champion)
4) WWE Heavyweight Championship - John Cena vs. AJ Styles (Champion)
5) The 30 Man Royal Rumble - Winner gets to Main Event Wrestlemania
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submitted by wmnoe to Toppswwe [link] [comments]


2016.01.20 17:57 payne007 Northern Argentina and Chile (Follow up)

The next day, taking my time to pack up, I realized I had made an error since all the trucks had left early in the morning (as usual). Anyhow, I hitched at the exit, and in the end the owner of the truck-stop, with whom I had communicated to ask where I could sleep the night before, ended up helping me out, bringing me much closer to my destination.
Then, from the traffic light where he dropped me, I walked to the other light, hoping that it would be a good decision, filtering a whole bunch of traffic. But some guy was there hitchhiking as well, and could not find a ride. He explained to me that Argentina was actually a bitch to hitch, which I do confirm, even though I thought it would be a paradise since there are just so many Argentinian travelers around South America.
I ended up walking back to the first light since it was staying red for a lot longer, and found a ride in 5 minutes. The guy was very nice, and actually brought me all the way to the trail entrance of the Rainbow Gathering, after trading me some Dolar Blue.
I walked around for a while, reading, and re-reading the instructions to arrive at the Gathering, and finally just dropped my stuff, cursing the imprecision of hippies. I decided to wait until some local living nearby would pass by to leave my backpack at their house while I would do exploration around, without all that weight, under the great heat of the mid-day.
After getting lost a few times, and walking through a property with way too many aggressive big dogs, and its owner not trying to help me not get eaten alive, I finally found the site. A magical spot, with great climate, a beautiful river at just a 100 meters down a trail, and lightbugs everywhere at night.
The day after, the 2 American friends I left around Cuzco arrived as well, and we exchanged our stories. They tried to enter Bolivia, but did not meet the requirements, so had to turn around and pass through Chile, where they said the heat was absolutely terrible.
Unfortunately for us, the very same day, cops arrived with some bad news: we were squatting in a Natural Reserve where making fires was illegal, and camping, just as much. I believe one of the rich locals of the neighborhoods, to which I asked for some help to understand the instructions to arrive at the Gathering, actually called the cops. She was apparently histerical when she picked up the 2 Americans trying to find this spot as well.
So, in the end, we got kicked off after 2 days of diplomacy, trying to arrange a settlement. They indicated us toward the Caldera, where they said there were open properties where no one would bother us. This whole story turned into a big caravan of 20ish hippies trying to all get there together.
The cops gave us a lift to a bus stop. We rocked the bus ride, singing songs and giving away our bread to everyone. Everyone had smiles on their face: a beautiful experience.
After arriving at the spot, we ended up realizing we could not stay there, and that we had to walk back the 6 kms to reach the junction. We all left in groups of 2 or 3, trying to hitch rides, but in the end, only the very last group got a ride. And me and Gab were the 2nd last group, so the truck stopped to pick up our stuff, but then told us he did not have enough space for us. I then quickly walked to the back and grabbed onto the container. As he drove off and I passed next to Gab, I told to quickly come grab on.
We then all reached Vaqueros, where Marce, the cyclist which had had to stop over there on its way to Caldera, had met someone which had mentioned that he could host us on his property.
We stayed there a few days before deciding that the Gathering could not happen where at only a few meters from a highway. We then moved back quite close to where we got kicked out the first time, and hiked a good 3 hours into the bush, at the Quebrada San Lorenzo.
The first week there was awesome. We had wild peppermint, blackberries, wild laurel, and nuts all around. Walking in the wilderness over there could fill your nose with smells you could not believe: almost anything had aromatic flagrances. The place was beautiful, but then the rain started getting in, and after too much of it, everyone got demoralized. Scouts eventually left to find a suitable place for the Second Moon Gathering. Alemania ended up being the elected spot.
We finally left the spot and squatted an abandoned house for 2 days, until the cops, once again, kicked us out.
We then squatted a campground a few hundred meters from there for a night, and then moved to Salta to meet up at the house of one of the Sisters. The room of her kid was basically flooded with smelly backpacks.
From there, the idea was that people would leave in groups to arrive in Alemania in time for the New Moon. A group of 4 was staying behind, including me, to perform a concert at a vegan restaurant that had asked us to come play.
Then, I left with my mini-caravan headed for Patagonia: Cristina, a 64 year-old Colombian left-revolutionary woman, and Lluvia, a 19 year-old Chilean androgenic guy.
We waited two days for a girl that wanted to join us, but the day we met her, she ditched us to go to Alemania, and then sent us on our to an unknown highway which she said would bring us to Chile faster, for us to reach Patagonia more rapidly.
So entered a bus through the back door, left at the second-last stop, and started hitchhiking from there.
We got a ride to some police check-up station, and then another one to a little native settlement where we got stuck until nightfall. The Colombian tried to teach me how to dance La Cumbia, to not avail. Then, finally, a truck stopped a 100 meters down the road to check its tires. I ran up to him to beg for a ride. He lifted us all the way to San Antonio De Los Cobres. So far so good: we were on our way, closer to Chile!
We arrived very late at late at night out there, at an altitude of over 3775 meters, and as soon as we set a toe outside, we felt the cold wind bite us to the bone. We hid inside some house in construction, until we talked with some man that lifted us to the police station, which then brought us to the Artesanal Market, which accepted to have us stay over for the night (there was also an Argentinian guy saying we should get the hell out of there and pass through Jujuy instead because there was literally no one passing through this part of highway 40; he had just biked it, and intended on reaching the southern tip of the highway).
The next day, the restaurant of the market offered us coffee, and we took it with the ton of dried bread that we recycled in Salta before leaving for the trip.
Some cop had told me that there were tour-combis passing through, stopping at a specific restaurant, every day, at mid-day. I had planned on talking to them to score a ride, but we ended up hearing of an ambulance that would be leaving soon for highway 52, so we instead simply headed for the exit for the highway 40-N, to get to highway 52, which heads into Chile, and where all the truck-traffic passes (highway 51, is a deserted highway with basically no traffic at all reaching the border, the exception being the few crazy tourists that want to discover this part of the world which did not seem to have to it).
After an hour, we saw the combies pass by and ignore us as we tried to wave them down. We then walked back to the municipality to know what had happened to the ambulance ride, and they told us the plan had changed and that instead an ambulance would be coming from over there. So then the plan changed to going to the hospital to know when that ambulance would leave from here, since all those movements are usually recorded. They said they had never heard of that specific transport, but then I met a couple from a village very close to highway 52. We arranged for them to pick us up in front of the police station, where we stayed many hours waiting for them, but it seems like they just avoided us by passing through another road to leave the town.
We went back to the Market for another night. I was slightly pissed at how unreliable the people seemed to be around here.
The next day, we did the same thing, except that time I went to try to arrange a ride with the tour-combis. They accepted, in exchange for a small fee, and told us to wait in front of the Market, where the other tourists were waiting. But unfortunately for us, we were apparently incommodating passengers and so they left us there, after wasting our time for an hour. That was the ultimate excuse they gave us, after passing through a myriad a lies to avoid having to tell us they simply would not lift us. The worst was probably them saying they had no space, when they in fact had more than 6 seats that were available.
As it drove off, I looked at the back of the combie and saw a ladder, and a step below it. I could have easily stayed back there, hidden, the whole way, especially since the curtain was closed and since no one was sitting in the back to open it up, but could not simply abandon my partners.
We thus got ripped off once again, and simply walked again to the same exit we stayed at the day before. There, the guy living in front of where we were proposed to come back in 3 hours to give us the lift to the center of the Salina Grande, which would have been at 15 kms from the highway. We accepted the offer, and went back in town to stock up on some provisions and water bottles, trying to get ready for a 15 kms hike through a scorching hot, open terrain. We saw the guy drive through a few other times, waving at us every time, until his time arrived. He then disappeared from the road. An hour later, we saw him passing through, but he did not look at us. 2 hours later, still waiting for a ride, he finally stopped by to tell us he would not go there in the end. Another flop! Incredible.
We spent another night at the Market, and then the next day once again set off to try to get out of this hell-hole. At this point, my lips were starting to dry up once again. We met, early in the morning, some guy that told us to call him at 8 pm because he would be leaving for the Chile border at that time. We decided to hitch meanwhile. We gave a try to highway-51, but the 3 trucks that passed through did not stop for us, and were probably only headed to the next intersection a few kms further up ahead, where they would then turn South.
We hiked back in town after another shitty day to call up the guy. The card he gave us mentioned 3 phone numbers, and we tried them all with a phone that a restaurant let us use for free. None of them worked out. It seems like we were let off yet once again.
We thus spent ANOTHER night at the Market. The next day, we went straight to the exit to go back to Salta to try to go back from where we came. But no one stopped for us. The Chilean guy got enough of that bullshit and just paid for the bus to get back to Salta, leaving me and the Colombian behind.
After he left, I saw a truck that I could have hopped, but that was not an option with a 64 year-old. We thus went into town to talk with a tour-combi, to find out that the restaurant owner had talked about us to the driver already. They had already arranged to give us a ride for a 100 pesos. Finally the luck struck us since that person did NOT let us down. That morning, I had awaken with a raging anger against any travelers going through this town, but that lifted up my mood a bit.
The drive was interesting, but the Salar was definitely impressive. Finally on highway-52, we started seeing actual traffic for the first time in days.
We quickly found a ride to a village a bit further up the road, but then I ended up hitching on the other side of the road to get back 5 kms to stand at the exit of a road construction point where the traffic was a lot slower.
We spent the whole day there, with some crazy winds, and a lot of sun. When the sun set down, a sand storm could be seen far away in the distance. Cristi lost her hat, which flew away into oblivion. We looked at our options to sleep for the night, and realized we had to go back to that little intersection where a restaurant might be able to host us, which is where we ended up spending the night.
At first, I offered her to stay in my tent, but then remembered she was a notorious snorer, so I ended up letting her set up her tent aside.
The next day, we hitched back to that construction road point, to then once again switch side of the road and hitch West toward Chile. A few RVs passed by and waved at us, faking to not have enough space. I got mad, but could not do anything about it. We ended up getting a serie of mini-lifts getting us closer and closer to our destination. We finally got let off in the middle of nowhere, at a random dirt-road intersection. No shade around to relax. And a ton of trucks passing by making signs of Sorry. The sun was so brutal that two strings of my guitar just poped off.
In the end, after hours of desesperate hitching, we were picked up by the mining workers that were working in the distance a few kms toward the mountains surrounding us. Had we been anywhere else but at that point at that time, I believe we would just have stayed there roasting under the sun for multiple days.
They brought us all the way to Susques, but had to stop at some point, and turned around to go help out a traveling bus that was stuck on the side of the road. I made a few bitter-jokes about how it was quite fortunate for them that they got help so quickly when I could say that they, as a general rule, pretty much never try to help out the poor hitchhikers dying out on the side of the road.
In Susques, I walked into town to buy some supplies and ask for some dry-bread gifts. I came back loaded up, and half an hour later, a car stopped to give me a ride. Cristi was hidden, taking a piss, luckily, because they said they did not think they would have stopped for two persons, thinking they did not have enough space.
We fit in with the backpacks on our legs, and off we went for the border. They stopped at some point to fill up on gas, and I saw the RV that had left us behind a day before. I had an urge to go talk to them and make them feel bad, but did not have sufficient time, so I let it go.
Paso de Jama is a border situated at 4200 meters of altitude. A very windy, and exposed place. Definitely a good spot for anyone that wants to enter illegally into either Chile or Argentina. But definitely a bitch to hitch through: it is illegal to walk through this border. One must have a mean of transportation other than his feet, be it a bicycle. That is supposedly for our safety, but it is crazy to think that someone would try to hike the more-than-100-kms of nothingness that separate this border from the next village, but somehow they think it is fine for a cyclist to risk his life at it, knowing it is not much of a distance that can be done with this kind of wind.
So basically, we were refused to pass the border, and were told that there were two other hitchhikers being held back on the other side as well. We sat at the entrance, waiting for a ride, but no one showed up. In the mean time, we joked around with the border patrol, which turned out to be a pretty cool guy.
To sleep, we found an abandoned house, and set up the tents in there. The static electricity was very high that night: I could see sparks flying out from my sleeping bag as I was manipulating it. And in the middle of the night, as I turned my head around to sleep on my other side, my nose just decided to transform itself into a blood waterfall. It took me a good 10 minutes to get the blood to stop running.
The next day, we woke up early to talk with all the cars stuck at the entrance (since the border stops operating during the night). Every bus driver told us that if we had the authorization of the border patrol, they could give us a lift. The border patrol, which was another person, said that if the drivers wanted to give us a lift, they could go ahead. So in the end a Brazilian driver picked us up. We entered the border, but then got stopped by the buraucracy: he needed to have a paper that mentioned that we were authorized passengers. After wasting 40 minutes trying to figure that thing out, we just walked out, slightly pissed off that now all the traffic had gone through. I started walking toward the few cars that were being revised inside the border-zone, but then the border patrol guy called us over, saying it was illegal for us to stay in there without having someone lifting us through... So once again, we were back to the entrance. I was fulminating against the stupidity of this law.
In the end, 15 minutes later, a Russian guy drove by. I started talking to him in Spanish, but quickly realized he did not understand anything, so I went for English, and explained that we were stuck there and needed his help to get through, and that in exchange I could help him out by translating the interaction with the authorities.
As we were waiting for his car to be revised, I noticed that the damned RV was once again parked in our path. I took it as a sign, and proposed to Cristi that we would write words on the dirt behind their car. We had a bit of fun as we relieved a bit of anger on their lack of solidarity.
The guy turned out to be very good company. A big-time alpinist that had quite a few stories to share, and that explained how he interacted with 2 popular expeditions that did not mention how his team ended up saving their ass in emergency situations. He also let me know about the accident he had had a few days before with his rented car, and how he now needed to find a new wheel and mag fitting the same other ones the car had before returning the car because else, he would have to pay for paying a whole set of 4.
So he brought us all the way to Antofogasta, where I decided to help him out to figure out how he could save up that money and solve his problem. We spent 2 hours looking for the wheel, and finally arranged with a concesionary to just take off the wheel from one of the cars being advertised which was the same one he had rented. I, in the end, saved him from spending an extra 3000$ US. He was definitely quite glad about it, and so offered us to bring us to a supermarket after, and buy us anything we wanted. We filled a cart with food to the extent that our backpack could hold (Peanut Butter! It had been such a long time since I permitted myself to travel with that pricy thing, out here in Latin America), and he bought it all! Then, he brought us a bit further down South, to a truck-stop, at La Negra, and gave us a wine bottle he had bought for us as well. Cristi does not drink, so I just got drunk on my own. After drinking the whole thing, I walked around to find a trucker that might want to give us a ride. I ended up seeing a truck hauling cars which seemed to be hopable. I walked back to Cristi to ask her if she was up to go hide up there. After looking at the thing, she agreed.
I made 3 trips from the ground to the 2nd level to bring everything we had inside the trunk of one of the pickup trucks; it was nighttime, so no one noticed it. She then climbed up to hide with me in another trunk, where I brought her backpack, and my own sleeping bag.
Just as I set foot on the 2nd level for the last trip, bringing her backpack in from the other trunk, I saw 2 people on the other side of the highway which I thought might be the drivers. I stayed hidden behind the car until they reached the cab-level, which is when I quickly hoped into the trunk and snuck into my sleeping bag.
They started the motor, and off we went through the night! We did not really sleep at all due to the amount of cold wind that was hitting us up there. At some point, I actually found the keys inside the trunk and thought about checking if we could get into the car, but Cristi did not want me to try it due to the possibility that it might start off an alarm. So we just stayed hidden up there until the morning rose up, and the truck finally stopped on the side of the road. After 15 minutes stopped there without seeing any movement, I suggested that we should get off since it seemed like they were going to sleep.
I did a few trips to get everything down, and then, as she went to take a piss at the gas station, I asked another truck driver where we were: Caldera! 800 kms further down the road, closer to Santiago. Moreover, Caldera turned out to be the only spot that Cristi had a contact that could host us, North of Santiago. The father of the boyfriend of her girl lived there. The driver let us use his phone to contact him, and the whole thing worked out. He came to pick us up, and we stayed at his house for a few days.
But as we were waiting for him to come, I could not resist climbing back up on the car-trailer, and trying out the key to see what would happen. I had already heard from other truck-drivers to whom I had been asking questions about this kind of cargo that the cars should not have any alarm system activated as they are being moved. Looking through the trunks of the pickups on the 1st level, I noticed the keys were absent; quite possibly inside the car itself. On the 2nd level, however, every single pickup had the key available for grabs right in the open trunk. I used the key of the furtherst one from the cab, on the 2nd level, and opened the door. A rush of adrenaline shot through me as I turned the key, but nothing happened, and I bursted out laughing at I closed the door and threw the keys back in the trunk. To think about how shitty of a night we had passed while we could have been sleeping in a windless, comfy, car-seat during the whole night sounded funny to the sleep-deprived me at that moment.
In the end, a few days later, we decided to try to get to Santiago for Christmas, so her contact gave us a lift back to where he picked us up initially. In just 5 minutes, a car stopped at a restaurant which I knew to be closed, on the side of the road. I walked up to the driver and asked if he could give us a lift. He accepted, and off we went for La Serena. He ended up buying us a few empanadas and pops, and then dropped us close to a bus stop to get to Coquimbo.
We took the bus to its last stop, which was still 2 kms from the end of the town. We stayed at the gas station there, and hoped for a ride, but nothing showed up. In the end, as the sun was hiding itself behind the horizon, a car lifted us to the next gas station, which turned out to be a much better spot.
Cristi did a run to ask all the truckers there, but came back without anything positive. I left the 4-stringed guitar behind, and walked up to the first truck to ask for a favor. They said they had already told her they could not, so I thanked them and went back to her, picking up my guitar, lifting up the shoulders, and thinking that we would spend the night there. But just 3 minutes later, the guys were waving at us. I ran up to them and saw that they had made up a little space for us in the back of their trailer so that we could sit there as they drove to Santiago.
We set up our sleeping bags, and then they shared a joint with us, before leaving the gas station.
We reached Santiago at around 3 AM. They dropped us in downtown, saying we should watch out for robbers, and then took off. Within 5 minutes, a weirdo was already on us, asking us where we were from, and remarking that we were definitely strangers to this place. Luckily, a couple passed by and we asked them to indicate where the closest police station was.
Never had I seen Cristi walking that fast. We reached the police station, but were refused the entrance since apparently just a week before someone had dropped a bomb on a seat inside. They wanted us to leave the property, but I just took out my sleeping bag right in front of their wall, next to the door. They ended up not caring, and left us alone.
Within 2 hours, 3 men came inside the station to report that they had been robbed of everything they had. The police looked barely interested, and basically waved them out without trying to help in any way, even being rude to one of the man that was asking us the time, trying to insinuate that he was bothering us, which we said was not the case.
They finally kicked us out when the metro had opened. We walked to the other side of the street and waited for a bit more light before entering the metro to reach the hosting contact that Cristi had out there.
We spent two nights there, and then were contacted by the Chilean that left us in San Antonia De Los Cobres: he was arriving in Santiago with one of the girls of the Rainbow Gathering and needed a place to crash. Our hosts refused, but we found something for them. The next day, we joined each other in front of the bus terminal, where I bought new guitar strings.
We bought a bus ticket from there to Curico, the city where the Chilean lived. His family had agreed to host us for the holidays, and it was already the 23rd of December.
We finally had a place where we knew we could settle down for a little while and chill out.
The family was super hospitable, and absolutely awesome with us. They definately made us feel at home and part of the family. We met pretty much the whole family living in the neighborhood. I finally got to taste the famous Southern South-American BBQ, which was amazing.
submitted by payne007 to hitchhiking [link] [comments]


2014.08.10 08:25 Yungh4x0r First Part Of A Book That I Wrote When i was 17... I Never Got To Finish It (I Didn't Do Drugs. I swear.).

People pay good money to hallucinate. Suckers, all of them. There is no greater hallucinatory experience you can unleash upon yourself then simply staying awake for four days straight. You find people who commonly claim to have been up for days upon end without sleeping. They're called liars. What they mean is they were working on a project or paper of some weight, and have been getting ALMOST no sleep. That won't do for these purposes. No nodding off, no power napping under the desk, no quick winks while standing in the shower. Awake, absorbing glorious input, longer than 96 hours. It's a lot harder to accomplish than it sounds. Your body will want to shut off. Fuck your body. It's a coward. When willpower is failing, pharmacology will be your savior. I find that methamphetamine is the best hack for bypassing this silly self preservation routine the body tries to pull on you. Preferably smoked from a glass pipe. And don't be trashy. Don't smoke from some carbon encrusted glass dick that they find on dead tweekers after the warehouse rave got raided. Be classy. Take care of your pipe. Love your pipe. Never let the flame touch the glass. Thats where that black charcoal bowl crust comes from. Keep the tip of the flame a good inch away from the bowl. Patience. You are baking a souffle not caramelizing creme brulee. The goal is to slowly let the crystal melt in the glass. You actually want to inhale pure, beautiful vapors not smoke. If your shit is smoking you are doing it wrong, dirtying your pretty bowl an wasting drugs. Your mom taught you better. Practice until you get it perfect. You will feel the difference. Now once you've mastered your new found superpower you can use it to fight off any amount of sleep craving your body can throw at you. And now, well armed, you can take the governor off your waking hours and zoom down the road to the sacred world beyond the 96th hour. There's a different planet past that point. I'm a regular vacationer there. I've even lingered into my 5th and 6th day. Like music to the deaf, I'm not going to attempt to explain it. But I encourage everyone to try it, at least once. Turn your world on its side. If you find you like it there a bit, stay awhile and play. At the very least it will expand your perception. What I don't encourage is packing up your hooker girlfriend and BEGINNING a 21 hour road trip to New Orleans when you haven't slept a blink in 5 days. CALI Calling Cali a hooker is like calling a Maserati a car. You're missing the finer points. Girls of her caliber are generally referred to as "Escorts", Cali doesn't like that word either. "Companion" or "Courtesan" is how she sees herself. At $500 an hour you can pretty much call her anything you want. And once you've sampled her, you'll be calling her again, and again, and again. Of course I don't pay her. She's my girlfriend. My actual girlfriend not just a carefully orchestrated simulation. I'd like to say I'm surprised at how divided people are on the subject of dating a whore. They are completely black or white on the subject; but people don't surprise me anymore. I love that men pay thousands for what amounts to my daily life. But those men don't really know Cali either. She's a transformer. "This is not working" she sighs. She could be referring to the fuck up dynamic that is our life and relationship, but she's not. She's been trying to scootch down in the passenger seat and light a crack pipe under the horizon of the window. She's failing miserably. This would actually be comical if she hadn't agreed to also get me high off of the pipe in question. Time out. Cali doesn't smoke crack. I sure the hell don't smoke crack either. "Crack is Whack"...rest in peace Whitney. The "Crack Pipe" is a "Meth Pipe"...but that sounds ridiculous. If you're around people doing methamphetamine and they say they are "doing meth" or "smoking a meth pipe"... run. Seriously, those are the backwoods hillbillies you see on the faces of meth poster. Those are the people who catch their bathroom on fire making low quality "shake and bake meth". They deserve the stereotype. People like Cali and I, use "Crack" and it's ilk (cracked out, crack pipe, smoking crack) ironically. Hipster speed freaks There's a definite hierarchy to drug use. The bottom of the pyramid is being held up by people smoking actual crack. Cocaine and baking soda make for a delightful end to a promising life. Slightly above are hillbilly speed freaks, these dregs are not me or mine. Above them are potheads and other collegiate level drug abusers. Dime baggers, frat boy stoners, white rastafari, actual rastafari. Let us not forget the party girls, the ecstasy abusers, MDMA champions, with their serotonin receptors irreparably riddled. That level drifts into mushroom trippers and borders on the LSD and mescaline takers . The spiritualist. Searching for meaning or god. Far too often they detour smack dab into heroine junkies.The path to the golden lap of your creator is only as far as a short hitchhike on your Vasculatory system. That rarely ends well. Next come the prescription drug abusers. Soccer moms with an oxy problem. Lawyers on the partner track with an affinity for adderall. Pill poppers bleeding into the upper echelon, the coke heads. Coke is still cool. Don't let anyone fool you. And people utilizing coke definitely believe they are the tip of the pyramid. But that's a delusion. At the very tippy, tippy top are meth aficionados. Captains of industry we are. Leaders of men. With no time for sleep. And we bare about as much resemblance to "faces of meth" as a "companion" does to a “crack whore”.. I hope that makes sense to you. Because I have something more important to say. I am not getting high. And this is a problem. "We're going to have to stop somewhere." Cali agrees. THIS ISNT DISNEYWORLD When people think of Florida they think of white sandy beaches, palm trees and Disneyworld. What they don't put in the brochures is that most of Florida is a shit hole. And that's probably doing shitholes a disservice. Miami is great, a truly world class city. The greater Orlando area is great for the plastic coated tourist trap that it is. After that there's a handful of (loosely)metropolitan areas, Tampa, Daytona, Sarasota, Jacksonville, Panama City...maybe Pensacola. But dotting the lines in between those oases (oasees?) are the dregs of America. Palatka, Green Cove, Haines City, Brandon, Bartow, Pea Ridge. Places you go to die. We had left from Key West and were now about an hour and a half northwest of Miami. Firmly in the grasp of podunk Everglades Florida. We needed to find a secluded location to do hard drugs. Which, looking at the inhabitants doesn't seem like it would pose much of a problem. We thought about a lot of options, an automated car wash for example. Go in, wait for the suds to get nice and thick and then smoke up. We decided the lather cycle was probably not long enough to get the job done properly. And going thru 3 or 4 times would probably draw attention. We also shot down papering up all the windows in a walmart parking lot, the “Family” bathroom at a Starbucks, a shower at a truckstop, and wandering out into a nature preserve. In the end we settled on renting a motel. Now, I am a drug addict. Have been for quite sometime now. And I generally don't delude myself too much about that fact. For some reason, when I walked into the "Rest Easy" motel, on the 5the day of a crack bender, to rent a room SOLEY for the purpose of doing drugs, it really hit home. The cute cuban girl behind the counter was about 5'1" and smiled coyly at me in a way that meant "Please take me with you, I'll do ANYTHING to get out of here". On a normal(relatively) day I would have seen just how far anything would go. But, I had important business here. I paid cash. Signed the register as nothing resembling my given name. And took my key. An actual key, who knew? Around the side of the building and up a flight of stairs, we found room 207. Cali had already taken the key from me and was successfully negotiating the lock to get us inside. "This is disgusting." She was absolutely right. When I was in high school, my girlfriend and I would regularly copulate in shady motels. Places with waterbeds and mirrors on the ceiling. Palaces, in comparison to this place. Cali wanted to fuck. But after inspecting the beds she realized we needed to keep this a purely drug transaction. In the bathroom, on the deteriorating porcelain counter, Cali began blessing the temple. She wiped the counter down with alcohol hand wipes before removing the Versace sunglass case that was currently holding our stash of crack, her personal incendiary device and her newly minted glass pipe. I had given it to her as a christmas present. I'm a keeper. You could see the relief in her eyes that she could take her time. Smoking in the car had not been a fulfilling experience. A sophomoric, fumbling handjob. Neither of us had gotten off. So this time, behind closed doors, in the seediest of environments, she was meticulous. I watched as the first crystal dropped into the pipe, then two, then three. From her purse she removed, her torch. "Pitchforks and Torches"...that's not this kind of torch. It was actually a butane soldering iron, with the tip removed. Unlike a conventional lighter, a torches flame could be precisely controlled, and she was a professional. As the flame point teased the bottom of the pipe, I saw the hot crystal liquid pooling in her hands. Slowly she inhaled and equally measured she breathed out. I watched the glow wash over her. My turn. I was sitting on the counter facing the door of the motel room. As I put the pipe to my lips I saw small flecks of sunshine, piercing through the external room wall. I inhaled slowly. They were two bullet holes. What the fuck happened to my life? THE END OF THE AFTERGLOW In the woods behind the house I grew up in lives a hermit named Andy. He was equal parts conspiracy theorist, militant recluse, hippie burnout and full blown redneck. In celebration of each New Year, he and his cronies (his cronies and he?)would fire their shotguns into the air. It was great fun. Kids love guns. Andy never really got that all those bullets were going somewhere. One year they peppered his living room ceiling. Years later, they fucked up the paint on his buddy's trams-am. But the physics of the celebratory gun fight never hit home until they shot Cheyanne. Cheyanne was a Redbone Coonhound and she was bleeding from an artery in her neck. The blood pooled in the dirt road and created little red clay blood clots. Andy ran to her like it was his child. He pulled her body close to his chest, blood matting his long brown hair. He wailed. He kissed her snout and cried into her mouth, she was too weak to close it. Her tongue just limped off the side of her jaw. He had shot his daughter. They didn’t celebrate new years after that. Unlike Andy, The return trajectory of upwardly mobile objects never escaped us. The motel had been the last time either of us had gotten high. We were still smoking, mind you. Feverishly. But the effects of the magic potion had plateaued. We were falling back to earth, fast. A crash was imminent. "Cali, what are you doing baby?" The speed limit on I-75 is 75mph. Currently we were parked in the middle of the interstate. "I saw brake lights" Looking ahead of us I could see the tail lights of only one other car. Conservatively, it was 10 miles down the road. It was the wee hours of the morning. There are no streetlights on this stretch of road. When the torch flame emerged from my hand, sitting in passenger seat, parked in the middle of I-75 the whole car illuminated like a firefly in the night. Hold...2...3...4...exhale. "Would you like me to drive?" The firefly illuminated again. MONSTERS IN THE TREE CAVE I-10 starts in Jacksonville Beach on the Atlantic Ocean and dead ends in San Diego on the Pacific. If you'd never driven it you might assume the most boring part is right in the middle, in the desert. It's a good assumption. After San Antonio there's just mile after mile of desert that feels like it goes on into eternity. But the desert is not boring. It's inspiring. Makes you think about your place in the world. No, the most boring part of that Journey is right at the beginning. After you leave Jacksonville there's a string of pine forests and marshlands that don't let up until just before Pensacola, a good 6 hours away. It's bad during the day. At night, you're just driving thru a never ending tree cave. Stifling, claustrophobic, blackness with little red tail lights peppering the trail. It's probably not helping that most of the walls of this cave turned into giant tree monsters half an hour ago. I'm well past my 96th hour. It's fortunate that I'm a regular here. Periodically, tree monsters decide to desist decorating the roadside and stumble across my path. I can keep steady pressure on the gas and just marvel slightly that the car doesn't crumple under the weight of a huge pine foot. You can tell this disappoints the tree monsters. What do they want me to do? Park in the middle of the interstate? For the moment Cali is attempting to satiate her oral fixation on something other than a crack pipe. Society really doesn't give high functioning addicts enough credit. If I put you (sober) behind the wheel of a Mercedes E-430, getting a blow job from a $500 an hour escort, while doing 75mph you would be all over the road, maybe even wreck. Now try it on no sleep while dodging tree monsters. I’m a pro. The car behind me just thinks I'm another working stiff on an unholy commute to a thankless job. Pfft, I don't have a job. Fireflies illuminate the car. This startles me a bit. I have both hands on the wheel and Cali is currently otherwise occupied. Great, now the tree monsters are smoking crack. I look at the dashboard. Apparently I need oil. WALLYWORLD No matter what hell hole corner of the country you find yourself in, you're never very far from a Walmart. As we pull into the parking lot Cali is adjusting her hair and make up in the mirror. This is the beginning of a universal ritual shared by all drug users across the world. Attempting to make other people believe you are not on drugs. People have mixed results with this. It can run from a stoned high school senior trying desperately not to laugh at everything, to your parish priest who's been a closeted speed freak for 30 years. I find it's best to come up with a cover persona. A reason for you to be looking and acting a bit off. My personal ploy is to pretend I'm a douchebag businessman who's pissed off that he's coming down with the flu. It works for me. Cali's trick is to be Cali. And like her, it's a charm. One that's particularly effective in our current location. Watching Cali enter Walmart is one of my guilty pleasures. And there's plenty good reason for that. For one, there's the reaction from every male in the store. Like they are watching a unicorn. Overweight stock boys slicking down their unkempt hair and middle aged shoppers trying nonchalantly to remove their wedding rings, while still in arms distance from their wives. The reaction from the women is split, half look at her like the devil herself just walked through the automatic sliding door(Like the devil shops at Walmart). And the other half just stare, smiling and thinking how all they have to do is be like her to get the fuck out of this backwater. But my favorite reason, is the look on Cali's face. Her shoes are Christian Louboutin, and her bag is Hermes, but in here her face is just a wonderstruck little girl from Amarillo. Cali loves Walmart. She would never say it, but it reminds her of her hometown... Which she would also never admit to missing. Everyone else here probably sees a homewrecker. I see a glimpse of a pretty girl before her life got so damn complicated. I love watching Cali in Walmart. Did I say that already? I let her frolic in the aisles while I go in search of thirty weight. Twenty minutes or so later, I've checked out and she reappears. Hair braided in hap hazard pig tails, like a ten year old girl scout ready for a camping trip. She stares at me as I refill the oil reservoir on the Mercedes. I know this look. I had spurned her advances at the motel, I wasn't going to get away unscathed this time. She was going to devour me. And I was way too tired to put up a fight. INTEMRISSION “Eat this.” When I opened my eyes I was surprised by two things. Sunshine and a banana. “Did I sleep?” “15 minutes. “Fantastic.” It really was fantastic. Cat naps and sunshine are panacea to averting bender overload. Its actually frightening how much energy and stamina you can recoup from surprisingly little rest. “Eat” Eating on a bender is a high wire act. You don’t want to eat for a mix of reasons. The drug is inhibiting the reuptake of many a neuro-chemical. Dopamine and Serotonin are the headliners here. Reuptake inhabitions mean normally docile and homely molecules are now out in force, wandering promiscuously around your brain, seducing any receptor that will have them. The Amish community has suddenly become a sex cult. One of the lovely side effects of this romp is your body deflects blood flow away from your abdomen and into your extremities. Its preparing for fight or flight. And its telling you this is no time for lunch. For casual users this is fantastic. We’ll all stay skinny because we just won’t eat. But nonstop for days on end you are going to have to eat. No matter what your body says, it needs fuel. Mentally you can get around that part. You know you need to eat. You can tell yourself that. The eating itself is a whole other problem. The banana feels like mushy barbed wire coursing down the back of my throat. “Drink” Cali presses the bottle to my lips. The water washes over my tongue and drags the last of the barbed wired down into my stomach. “Two more bites” “Fuck you” She just smiles and pushes the banana at me. She’s wearing a t-shirt now. My T-shirt. The dress she was previously wearing is strewn somewhere in the back of the car. In college, I was fond of using the line “Nice dress, it would look so much better balled up on the floor of my room”. I shutter at the cheesy naivete, but for a moment I think of how proud that version of me would be of this moment. That this nymph had completely discarded her attire to have me. Temporarily abandoned, unlike the pink and black panties she was now removing from the gear shifter. She leaned back almost flat and stuck her legs in the air. Her tiny foot made and imprint on the windshield as she fidgeted her undergarments up her legs into their natural resting place. The tail of hemy t-shirt draped across her thighs and began to wick up the remaining evidence. The car reeked. The musk that moments ago was inexplicably exciting and intoxicating was now starting to make me nauseous. The barbed wire stirred. I rolled down my window. Cali opened her door. “I have to pee.” WESTBOUND FIREFLIES “What time do we absolutely have to be there” “Eleven” “Midnight is still possible” “Don’t make me late. Seriously.” “No promises.” Key West was where we had escaped to. We called it a vacation, told our friends it was a get away, but it was where we had fled. New Orleans is what we had fled from. We had ran away screaming bloody murder. Well, I had run. Cali had made the decision to run with me. She told me she didn’t think I would make it alone. That it was too much to bare by myself. She was right. But in coming with me, she had crossed a line. I don’t really want to go into that right now. But lets just say that we were most assuredly intertwined. We had escaped together. As the mile markers dwindled downward the fact that we were willingly returning to our captor was washing over both of us. The first signs appeared outside of Mobile. New Orleans 148 miles. Cali ignored it. I just wanted it to be wrong. From the hammock, on the deck, of the bungalow, on the water in Key West I had wished it all away. That I could somehow blow on the map and the words and dots and what they represented would just swirl out of existence. That my will could finish what Katrina couldn’t. Outside Biloxi. New Orleans 93 mi. Cali and I had built a perfect simulation of that in Florida. We played house so well. Sun filled days. Nights with each other in a manner that only exists in serial young adult fiction. We had each other completely. But even in the moment we knew it wouldn’t last. That something would make us leave. Louisiana State line. 48 miles. Someone would die. Terrorists would invade the Keys. The inescapable gravity of the Crescent City would not relent until it had pulled us back in. The universe punishes all those that stand in opposition. Slidell. 27 Currently we were going back for a much more mundane reason. We were fucking broke. 10mi. And as of 30 minutes ago, we were damn near out of drugs. Touchdown. Saints Win. ELEVENISH We pulled off the I-110 into the quarter at 11:07pm, December 31st. New Years Eve. Did I mention that? A little longer and I would have made Cali a full year late. “Where are we going?” “The Renaissance” “Arts or Pere Marquette” “Pere Marquette” “Fucking Classy” “Aren’t I always?” “You. Always. Your dates...” “Jealous?” “Insanely.” She leaned across the console and kissed me, completely with zero regard for my field of vision. The car drifted and I corrected. I cornered onto Common St., a “Transitional” neighborhood. In New Orleans that meant crack houses and vagrants perfectly married with mansions and 4 star hotels. Somehow the winos we passed as we pulled into valet at the uncommon common hotel made our arrival aptly poetic. Or pathetic. Cali. Finished applying her lipstick exactly as the car pulled to a stop. Considerately, she had kissed me before applying it. I can’t stand the way it feels. Her lips were the final step in an elaborate transformation I had been witness to for the last 200 miles. Outside of Pensacola she had exposed her breasts to a jeep load of Florida State Seminole fans as she discarded her t-shirt to don a bone white La Perla demi bra. When she put on its lower counterpart, that was a show that only I was privileged to see. The dress she slid on around Mobile. Black silk, a deep wrapped plunging v neckline with white lace ruffle surrounding. Astounding. In Mississippi, her battery powered straightening iron and makeup kit came out. By this point she was no longer recognizable as Cali. She was no longer Cali, she was Amanda now. And passers by began to wonder why the hell she was driving around with me. The last touch (before the lipstick) was a pair of black calf skin, calf high, stiletto boots. They were client requested, but I made absolutely no objection. As she stepped from the car it was apparent no one in the lobby or valet stand could muster a complaint either. Cali was a transformer. “I’m going to be bored” “I’m so sorry baby. You know I have to take this one” “It’s New Years Eve.” “It pays like its New Years Eve too. And its just Dave. You like Dave.” “I like you” “I like you too.” She kisses me. I hate lipstick. “I called Lara to keep you company” “Great.” “Be nice.” “I’m going to totally defile her. You know that.” “Turn about is fair play. Don’t break her.” “I didn’t break you.” “I was already broken.” The automatic door rushed opened and Calimanda disappeared into its opulence. In some well appointed corner of this building, Someone (just Dave) was about to have an amazing New Year.
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